


Of Bygone Days

by unciadesu



Series: Let's Be One [2]
Category: C-Pop, EXO (Band), K-pop, SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Abuse, Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Angst, Blood and Violence, Bromance, Character Death, Cheesy, Dildos, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Homelessness, Homophobia, Injury, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Major Character Injury, Masturbation, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Multi, Online Dating, Online Relationship, Online Romance, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Acceptance, Sex Toys, Sexual Abuse, Skype, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Superpowers, Trauma, Trauma Bonding, Violence, Webcam/Video Chat Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2019-07-29 04:59:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16257149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unciadesu/pseuds/unciadesu
Summary: As the days pass, the stories of the past recede.Some memories vanish, destined to be forgotten.And some remain as vivid as the present.





	1. From a Distance

**Author's Note:**

> This will contain the backstories of some characters from Let's Be One 
> 
> I'm only sure that I'll include Kris and Suho's, Baekhyun's and Luhan's backstories for now so yeah. 
> 
> Reminder that it's always alright to tell me in the comments if you didn't want to read a chapter because you thought it could trigger you. In this case and if you still want to continue to follow the story, I'll simple make a summary of the chapter for you so that you can continue reading :) You can always tell me "okay just don't talk about this in your summary" and I'll do just that :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Trigger warning for homophobia and suicide attempt.

**2007** **년** **12** **월** **6** **일** **오** **후** **4** **:** **26**

 **새로운** **Facebook** **친구인** **Kris** **님에게인사를** **곤네보세요**

 **수호님** **:** Who are you?

**Kris** **님** **:**   I’m Kris, I think we met in Vancouver?

**수호님** **:** I never go to Canada.

**Kris** **님** **:**   Oh.

**Kris** **님** **:**   Sorry, I thought you were the friend Thomas  came here with ‘cause your face was familiar.

**수호님** **:** No.

**Kris** **님** **:**   Sorry about that.

**Kris** **님** **:**   Well, have a nice day.

**수호님** **:** Have a nice day :)

 

 **2008** **년** **1** **월** **2** **일** **오후** **6** **:0** **4**

**Kris** **님** **:**   你很性感

**수호님** **:** I don’t understand.

**수호님** **:** I is what?

**수호님** **:** Explain please.

**2008** **년** **1** **월** **4** **일** **오** **전** **3** **:** **17**

**Kris** **님** **:**   Ah, sorry. I was most likely wasted when I sent that to you.

**Kris** **님** **:**   I don’t really remember but I’m pretty sure it’s nothing important. 

 

 **2008** **년** **1** **월** **4** **일** **오** **전** **9 :** **37**

**수호님** **:** “Wasted” meaning?

**Kris** **님** **:**   Like drunk. When one takes way too much alcohol.

 

 **수호님** **:** Ah. 

 

 **수호님** **:** Thank you :)

**Kris** **님** **:**   No problem.

 

 **수호님** **:** I sexy?

**Kris** **님** **:**   What?

 

 **수호님** **:** I not sexy. I man.

**Kris** **님** **:**   ...A man can be sexy?

 

 **수호님** **:** I to you not sexy. You also man.

**Kris** **님** **:**   If what you are saying is that I shouldn’t find you attractive because we are both men, I disagree.

**Kris** **님** **:**   Men can find other men attractive.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   It’s not wrong.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Don’t worry, I’m not attracted to you, I don’t want to go out with you. Like I said, I was drunk when I sent you that message.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   It doesn’t mean anything.

 

 **2008** **년** **4** **월** **3** **일** **오후** **10** **:** **11**

**수호님** **:** Hi, Kris. I often don’t talk with you. I know and I am sorry. But I need your help. Only you can understand I think. Answer please.

**Kris** **님** **:**   What’s up?

 

 **수호님** **:** A person from school attempts suicide. And everyone say it is because he is a gay. I don’t know if he is a gay because he never tell me but I don’t know what to do.

 

 **수호님** **:** Dong Bin is always nice with everyone and I am sad. I want to help him but I do not know what to do.

 **Kris** **님** **:**   I’m sorry to hear for your friend. I don’t really know what you should do either but I’m pretty sure what he would need would be someone to be there for him and not judge him. Especially if you say that people are intimidating him.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   After all, you reached out to me, a complete stranger that doesn’t even live in your country because you didn’t think anyone would understand. He probably feels the same. That’s probably why he attempted suicide in the first place.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   If there are words I use you don’t understand, you can ask me I’ll try to explain them.

**수호님** **:** Thank you J

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   No problem.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   But yeah, just try to act friendly with him. Show that you care even though you might not understand.

 

 **수호님** **:** Do you understand?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Homosexuality?

 

 **수호님** **:** Yes.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Yeah, it’s people finding other people of the same sex attractive. It’s love.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   In Canada it’s pretty accepted. We even legalised same sex marriage a few years ago. Don’t know exactly when.

**수호님** **:** Gay people marry?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Yeah, they do.

 

 **수호님** **:** They don’t get intimidated?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Some do but it’s getting more and more accepted. It helps that there are people to defend them.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   It’s always nice to feel like you aren’t alone against the world.

 

 **수호님** **:** Thank you :) Goodbye Kris :)

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   No problem :)

 

 **2008** **년** **4** **월** **4** **일** **오후** **10** **:** **11**

**수호님** **:** I am stressed to talk to him.

**Kris** **님** **:**   Why?

 

 **수호님** **:** I am stressed to be intimidated.

 

 **수호님** **:** I know it is bad for me to say that.

 

 **수호님** **:** But I am scared of what people will think.

**Kris** **님** **:**   No one forces you to go talk to him. If it makes you nervous to go talk to him than don’t do it. But it might motivate you to think that if you are feeling that way then you can imagine how he must be feeling.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   How I see it: at least if you help him and get bullied at least you’ll be the two of you.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   At least, he won’t be alone and this and you’ll be proud to have helped this.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Then again, I realize are realities are different.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   *our

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Sorry for my mistakes. I’m typing fast.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   I just moved in Hong Kong and I realize the culture here is different although I already kind of saw it from my mom.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   I mean people aren’t used to hearing subjects like homosexuality and they are more close-minded about it...

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   But still...

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Do you get what I’m saying?

**수호님** **:** Get?

**Kris** **님** **:**   Understand

**수호님** **:** Oh, yes. I understand.

**수호님** **:** Thank you Kris :)

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   :)

 

 **2008** **년** **4** **월** **8** **일** **오후** **10** **:** **05**

**수호님** **:** I haved to talk to my mom about Dong Bin. She looked ok with it.

 

 **수호님** **:** She looked proud of me.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   That’s really cool :) I’m happy for you :)

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   (Do you want me to correct your mistakes when you write?)

 

 **수호님** **:** Yes please :) If it is not a problem :)

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   No it’s fine. (okay so for the verb “have” in the past tense is “had”, it’s one of the exceptions)

**수호님** **:** (Oh! Thank you :) ) 

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Did something happen with Dong Bin?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Cause you said that you “had” ( ;) ) to talk about him with her...

 

 **수호님** **:** I getted in a fight with his bullies.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Wait...Did you like...Punch them?

 

 **수호님** **:** Yeah :S My fists are bloody and it hurts.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Fucking shit.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   (by the way,”get” is another exception so it’s “got”)

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   I’m guessing your school called your mom to tell her.

 

 **수호님** **:** (Thank you :) )

 

 **수호님** **:** Yeah. I was really scared. But proud too.

 

 **수호님** **:** I think I would regret not punching the people.

 

 **수호님** **:** There was four of them and they were hitting Dong Bin in the janitor’s room. I don’t know what happened. I just...Punched them I think?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   “I think” XD

 

 **수호님** **:** That’s not how you write it?

 

 **수호님** **:** Is it another exception?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   No, no. I just thought it was funny how you weren’t sure.

**수호님** **:** I really don’t remember a lot...

 

 **수호님** **:** I just know at some point a teacher arrived and split us.

 

 **수호님** **:** He looked really angry and I was very confused and I eventually understood that I punched the others.

**Kris** **님** **:**   Wow XD

**수호님** **:** What is “XD”?? I do not get.

 

***

 

 **2008** **년** **4** **월** **11** **일** **오후** **11** **:** **02**

**수호님** **:** I talked with Dong Bin today.

 

 **수호님** **:** He wrote on a paper: Thank you for the other day.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Aw, that’s nice :)

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Are people treating you any different?

 

 **수호님** **:** Yeah :s

 

 **수호님** **:** Teachers don`t let me answer questions when I raise my hand anymore :(

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   What!? 

 

 **수호님** **:** Yeah :(

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   What the fuck.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   And the students?

 

 **수호님** **:** I get weird eyes but nobody is mean to me.

 

 **수호님** **:** How are people to homosexuals in Canada?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   People usually don’t mind. If they do it’s rare they speak about it to someone’s face. My friends and I were fine with it.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   But I’m in China now, so things are different.

 

 **수호님** **:** Oh! You are in China! I didn’t know!

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Yeah, we moved in with my mom. The friends I made here seem to have a mentality like yours.

 

 **수호님** **:** Do you still like it?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   Ah yeah, it’s fine.

**Kris** **님** **:**   I met distant cousins of mine and although we view the world differently they are good people and I’m glad I could befriend them.

 

 **수호님** **:** “befriend” is a word or you did make a mistake?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:**   It’s a word. It means to become friend with someone. For example: I befriended you. 

**수호님** **:**  You consider me your friend?

**Kris** **님** **:** Should I not? x) I think at this point I can call you my internet friend.

 

 **수호님** **:**  Oh! Then you are also my internet friend to me :)

**Kris** **님** **:**  :)

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** I’m going to bed now, goodnight!

**수호님** **:**  Goodnight!

 

 **수호님** **:**  Wait!

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** Hm?

 

 **수호님** **:**  When were you born?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** 6th of November 1990

 

 **수호님** **:**  I was born in 1991 so that means you are older than me. In Korea we call boyfriends that are older than us hyung. Can I call you hyung?

 

 **수호님** **:** Do you get?

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** I’m not sure.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** Do you know what “boyfriend” means?

 

 **수호님** **:**  A friend that is a boy?

 

  **Kris** **님** **:** Yeah, no. You’d need to say “a male friend” or like you said, “a friend that is a boy/man/male” to describe that. “Boyfriend” means your partner. It means you are dating them.

 **수호님** **:**  Oh!

 

 **수호님** **:**  I’m sorry.

 

 **수호님** **:**  I don’t want you to be my partner.

 

 **수호님** **:**  That’s not what I wanted to ask.

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** It’s fine x)

 

 **수호님** **:**   Sorry :s

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** But yeah, I’m aware of that title thing, we have it in Chinese language too but just call me “Kris”. It feels weird for people to address me with titles.

 

 **수호님** **:** Ah, ok.   

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** That reminds me: I wanted to ask you your name for a long time now cause I can’t read it on your profile.

 

 **수호님** **:**  XD It’s Suho.

**Kris** **님** **:** The first character means “Su” and the other “ho” is that it?

**수호님** **:**  Yes :)

 

 **Kris** **님** **:** Nice :) Anyway, I’m going to bed for real now. Goodnight, have a nice day tomorrow.

 

 **수호님** **:** You too! 

 

***

 

**2008-07-27 7:34pm**

**Suho:** Kris.

 

 **Suho:** Help.

 

 **Kris:** What’s up?

 

 **Suho:** Hyung invited me to a party and I’m stressed.

 

 **Kris:** x)

 

 **Suho:** Don’t laugh at me. I don’t know what to do.

 

 **Kris:** You said you were going? (You’re talking about Dong Bing right? Not your actual brother?)

 

 **Kris:** Dong Bin*

**Suho:** I told him that I didn’t know if I would come at first but he convinced me to say yes. (yes, Dong Bin)

**Suho:** Now I don’t know what to do.

 

 **Suho:** Should I call him and tell him I don’t want to go in the end?

 

 **Kris:** Right. Because you never went to a party before.

 

 **Suho:** Not this type of party no. My parents would yell at me.

 

 **Kris:** And now they’re fine with it?

 

 **Suho:** I told them I would go with hyung so they are fine with it.

 

 **Kris:** Of course x) I could’ve guessed that. But that’s all new to you so you’re nervous.

 

 **Suho:** What does one even do at a party except drinking? I don’t drink alcohol. 

 

 **Kris:** They have fun? And you can always drink a little, it won’t kill you and your parents won’t even notice.

 

 **Suho:** Maybe.

 

 **Kris:** Sure. But don’t worry, Dong Bin will be there. Just keep close to him in the beginning and then go around by yourself when you get used to the ambiance.

 

 **Kris:** Plus, if you really don’t like it you can always just leave.

 

 **Suho:** Yeah…

 

 **Suho:** Are you busy tonight?

 

 **Kris:** No, why?

 

 **Suho:** Can I text you from there if I get uncomfortable?

 

 **Kris:** Sure. But I should remind you that I can’t really come pick you up or anything if you had forgotten.

 

 **Suho:** I remember. 

 

 **Kris:** Xiumin gē says you should try and go. He is sure you will have fun.

 

 **Suho:** You are talking with Xiumin hyung about me?

 

 **Kris:** They asked why I was laughing so hard so I explained. I am sorry if you wanted this to be kept a secret from them, I didn’t know.

 

 **Suho:** You are with multiple people? Is that why you are saying they? Who is there?

 

 **Kris:**  Xiumin gē, Lay and Chen. The two others are out. (You could use they when only talking about one person if you don’t know their gender though) 

 

 **Suho:**  So Lay and Chen also know I’m scared of going to a party? (okay, thanks)

 

 **Kris:** Yeah, sorry.

 

 **Suho:** :(

 

 **Kris:** We all agree with Xiumin gē though. Just go and see if you like parties or not. It won’t kill you.

 

***

 

**2008-07-27 11:45pm**

**Kris:** So, are you still alive?

 

**2008-07-28 00:09am**

 

 **Suho:** Yes I am still alive :) I’m doing fine :)

 

 **Kris:** Are you still with Dong Bin?

 

 **Suho:** No, he went with his other people after he presented me to some people he has known for not too long but that he still appreciates. There is many foreigners here. It’s funny. They speak Korean with us at first but I told someone I was trying to learn English and we spoke a bit.

**Suho:** He says my English is cute.

**Kris:** x)

**Suho:** I didn’t understand why he said it was cute at first but he explained that he thought I spoke it well but needed to work on it more so I could become less and less shy when I speak in English.

**Suho:** I think he is a nice person. He left but said he would come back in a few minutes and we can talk again for practice for me.

**Kris:** That’s nice of him. Practicing with other people is important when learning a new language. 

**Suho:**  Do you think I could practice with you? We could try Skype? Do you know Skype?

**Kris:** Yeah, I use it to speak with my friends in Canada sometimes. I think it would be possible.

**Suho:** Cool :)

**Suho:** He’s back. I will text you again later.

 

**2008-07-28 1:22am**

**Suho:** You wo’nt believe what I just did. 

**Kris:** You drank alcohol?

**Suho:** I did but that is not what I wanted to tell you.

**Kris:**??

**Suho:** I kissed someone.

**Kris:** Really? Wow x)

**Kris:** So you’re having fun after all

**Suho:** I kissed the foreigner I told you about earlier J

**Kris:** Wasn’t he a guy though?

**Suho:**  Yes! It was’nt that bad to kiss a man after all.

**Suho** : In fact, I likd it. 

**Kris:** Careful not to do things you’ll regret tomorrow. You might feel like it’s fine when you’re drunk but the next day you’ll regret.

**Suho:** I think its fine.

**Suho:** Plus I’m not drunk. Alcohol doesn’t really do anything to me.

 

 **Kris:** Did you see Dong Bin since you arrived?

**Suho:** Yeah he came to see me a few times to see how I was doing.

**Kris:** Okay, good.

**Kris:** Are you still with the guy now?

**Kris:** Suho?

**2008-07-28 2:16am**

**Suho:** Hey.

**Suho:** Sorry, I just saw your message.

**Suho** : The guy came back and I forgot I was texting you :S

**Kris:** I guessed so x)

**Suho:** I’m at hyung’s house right now.

**Kris:** How come? 

**Suho:** I don’t understand that.

**Kris:** You don’t understand why you’re at Dong Bin’s house? Are you sure alcohol doesn’t affect you? X) 

**Suho:** No, I don’t understand “how come”.

**Kris:** Oh. “how come” is kinda like “why”

**Suho:** Oh!

**Suho:** He didn’t want me to kiss the foreigner :(

**Suho:** He said he usually hunted like that in parties and he was sorry that he kissed me.

**Suho:** But I didn’t mind :(

**Kris:** By “hunted” do you mean he usually tried to hook up with people at parties?

**Suho:** What’s hook up?

**Kris:** Eh…Like have intimate interactions with people.

**Suho:** Oh.

**Suho:** Yeah, it’s that.

**Kris:** Okay because we don’t usually use that expression in English. I think you could use it as a metaphor but that’s pretty much it.

**Suho:** Okay :) That’s weird since it’s English…

**Kris:** What do you mean?

**Suho:** The expression comes from English but we say it in Korean.

**Kris:** Oh.

**Kris:** You mean you say it with a Korean accent?

**Suho:** Yeah.

**Kris:** Oh.

**Kris:** Are you going to go back home after?

**Suho:** I don’t think my parents would let me stay here but hyung says it would be better if I did so.

 

 **Suho:** He’s calling them right now. 

**Kris:** You’re parents don’t like you sleeping at your friends’ houses? But you’re what now 17?

**Suho:** It’s different because hyung is gay.

**Kris:** And what? Do they think he’s gonna force you to have sex with him or something?

**Suho:** Yeah

**Kris:** What? Come on, Dong Bin’s sweet as fuck he wouldn’t do that.

**Suho:** We can’t know.

**Kris:** Do you think like them?

**Suho:** I don’t think hyung would do that but I don’t push away the possibility.

**Kris:** What the fuck.

**Kris:** Homosexuals won’t want to have sex with just anyone because they are the same gender as them.

**Kris:** That’s not how it works for fuck’s sake.

**Suho:** Hyung just came back he says my mom is fine with me sleeping here.

**Kris:** Okay.

**Suho:** I know that but there is still the possibility and I want to remember it.

**Suho:** But that doesn’t mean I am scared of hyung.

**Kris:** At least.   

**2008-07-29 1:33pm**

**Kris:** I’m sorry I was harsh yesterday. I thought about it and realized you probably weren’t being homophobic but keeping in mind the possibilities like you said. I realized that you were probably like that with other people too and it wasn’t just because Dong Bin likes men.

**Kris:** Sorry.

**Suho:** Actually, I thought about it too and I don’t want to think like that. I’m not usually wary of everyone, I am sometimes but usually it’s because of prejudices. For example, it’s hard for me to trust Japanese people because of what happened in history but I should remember that they are not _all_ bad. I think it’s the same for homosexuals although yesterday I wasn’t aware of it. I decided that I didn’t want to continue to be like that.

**Kris:** I approve of this decision :)

**Suho: :)**

**Kris:** So? Nothing happened with Dong Bin in the end? No kiss? Nothing?

**Suho:** No. We talked a lot. 

 

 **Kris:** How drunk were you?

**Suho:** Enough for me to feel weird.

 

 **Suho:** Hyung apologized because he had told a lot of people at the party that I was not an adult yet to be safe but apparently that foreigner didn’t know. He said that he might be the type to try to hook up with people but he still usually tried to do it with legal people.

**Kris:** How do you feel right now? Are you hangover?

**Suho:** No, hyung made me drink a lot of water to make sure I didn’t get one. 

**Kris:** Smart. And overall do you keep good memories of last night?

**Suho:** It was fine.

 

 **Kris:** Would you go to another party?

 

 **Suho:** Maybe with people I know more. I wasn’t really with Dong Bin yesterday…I liked talking with him after better. 

 

**2008-07-29 2:14pm**

**Suho:** I think I’m gay?

 

 **Kris:** Because of yesterday?

 

 **Suho:** Yeah. Hyung says he doesn’t think I am gay and I just did that because I was not acting like normal but I think I maybe am gau.

**Suho:** gay*

 

 **Suho:** When I think about it, I always find women to be pretty but I’m not attracted to them.

 

 **Suho:** But with men I feel different.

 

 **Kris:** (*still find women to be pretty) you feel like men can make you feel things that women can’t?

 

 **Suho:** (no I meant like in the past too) yes. Hyung thinks I said that because I was still not thinking normally but I think I always felt that way.

 

 **Suho:** I usually thought that it was jealousy.

 

 **Kris:** (oh, okay, then it’s “I always found women to be pretty”) Well maybe you still do have a bit of alcohol in your body but alcohol doesn’t just create personality traits that were never there.

 

 **Suho:**  But I don’t think it’s that anymore.

 

 **Kris:** It just amplifies things that are part of you already even though they might not come out every day.

**Kris:** Yeah.

 

 **Suho:** Yeah.

 

 **Suho:** Am I making you uncomfortable?

 

 **Kris:** Oh no, it’s fine.

 

 **Suho:** Okay because I can stop.

 

 **Kris:** It’s fine really. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.

 

 **Suho:** Okay.

 

 **Kris:** I also find men attractive. I didn’t really find a lot of men attractive when I was in Canada but coming to China I find more men that I could like in that way.

 

 **Suho:** You like men too? In a sexual way?

 

 **Kris:** I think so yeah.

 

 **Suho:** Oh.

 

 **Kris:** I think it’s just that men here are more my type. There are a lot of men with soft features and I like that more I think. I still like girls more though but I do find men attractive.

 

 **Kris:** I told one of my friends in Canada and she says it’s called bisexuality when you like both genders.

 

 **Suho:** Oh.

 

 **Suho:** I have to go sorry. My mom told me I had to go buy the grocery for her.

 

 **Kris:** Sure. See ya!

 

**2008-07-31 9:00pm**

 

 **Suho:** I apologize for the other day…I was just really a shock to hear that you liked men and I was kind of scared.  Why didn’t he tell me before? Is he interested in me? Did he want to hide it from me for dishonest reasons? Those thoughts came to my mind…So I took a bit of time to think about it and reminded myself of the things you told me before. It made me nervous before but now it’s fine. I don’t want to treat you like a different person although it does feel a bit different…I will try to think of that feeling as simply knowing more about you. I’m sorry again. I didn’t want to be mean…I hope you understand.

 

 **Kris:** I understand :)

 

 **Suho:** Thank you :)

 

**2008-08-01 1:39am**

**Suho:** Do you have anything planned tomorrow?

 

 **Kris:** No, why?

 

 **Suho:** (well today but you understand)

 

 **Suho:** Do you think we could talk on Skype? I want to keep practicing :)

 

 **Kris:** Sure, but don’t expect me to be up before noon.

 

 **Suho:** Okay x)

 

 **Suho:** I’m going to bed now, goodnight :)

 

 **Kris:** Goodnight :)

 

**\-----**

 

“Gē?”

“Mmh?”

“If I skyped with Suho now, would you mind?”

“That means no ice?”

“Yeah.”

“Ugh…But it’s hot…”

When the temperature of the room warmed up with the ice disappearing from the walls, Kris understood Xiumin was giving him his okay.

“Thanks, gē.”

He sent a message to his internet friend, confirming with him that they could indeed skype.

“As long as he doesn’t see you, you can do anything, gē.”

“Mmh.”

The video opened.

_Oh. He’s way more pretty than on his profile picture._

“Hey!”

The other mouthed a “hi” but there wasn’t any sound.

_Is that the feeling mom was talking about?_

He understood that Suho was having microphone problems when the other mouthed a “how are you” and he couldn’t hear anything. He snapped out of his moment of admiration.

“Hey, I can’t hear you, is your mic on?”

The man in the screen frowned and searched on his computer to resolve the problem.

_It feels like it might just be._

The man signed him to wait a second.

He seemed to be deeply concentrated in what he was doing.

_He’s…really pretty._

He looked at him again, hopeful. Signing his ear, he mouthed a “can you hear me?”

“No, sorry.”

The other pouted.

_It must be._

He saw him sigh, disappointed. He shrugged, waved with both hands and mimicked the act of typing.

“Sure, bye.”

The video closed.

“Are you done already? Shit, that was fast.”

“He had microphone problems.”

“It’s to be expected in live chatting.”

There was a moment of silent. The ice came back on the walls.

“Say, Kris.”

“Mmh?” He was back to chatting with Suho who apologized for the occurrence. He turned to see the older man lying on his bed as opposed to him that was sitting on his.

They both had chosen to have the top bunks next to the window and had forced that choice on the four others they were sharing the room with; their privilege for being the two oldest there.

“I sensed…Would it be wrong for me to believe that the feelings I sensed from you earlier were-”

Chen entered the room and slammed the door in his back hurriedly, cutting Xiumin’s sentence.

“Ugh. I’m so glad I’m back I couldn’t take it anymore.” He made his way to his bed and collapsed on it. “It’s too hot outside,” he whined.

“Can’t you just make it rain?”

“As much as I would want to, I can’t do that every day.”

Xiumin and Chen continued speaking together, the older man slowly forgetting what he had wished to ask Kris.

The latter felt some kind of relief. He continued speaking with his internet friend.

 _Indeed, was it? Was it really love I felt just now?_    

 

 

_“Hi!”_

“Hey!”

_“Sorry for the other day…”_

“Ah, it’s fine-“

 _“I bought a new eh…microphone. See! Well…Hear,”_ Suho chuckled.

Silence. They simply smiled at each other.

It was kind of awkward. They had always talked via email, never hearing the other’s voice or seeing the other’s face outside of pictures and could always take time to answer or to start a new conversation, but with a video conference it was different. Kris felt pressured to speak.

_“So, how are you?”_

Seemed like he wasn’t the only one who felt urged to find things to say. It was reassuring to know he wasn’t the only one who was nervous.

“I’m good. Yeah, I’m doing pretty good. It’s vacations right now so I can laze around all I want so that’s pretty-“

_“Laze around?”_

“Ah…Eh…Be lazy. I can do whatever I want during the day.”

_“Okay!”_

_He seems so happy to have learned what it meant._ Kris couldn’t stop a chuckle escape his mouth. He relaxed even more.

He was sitting at their room’s desk this time. He had been lying with his computer on his bed for the entire day and it had been hurting his back. He let himself sit comfortably.

“So, what did _you_ do today?” He asked. ”And yesterday?  You said you had something.”

“ _Ah, yesterday I met D.O. We…Eh…Hang…ed…No! Hung out! Hung out! I remember!”_ He smiled proudly.

Kris laughed and wiped his tired face. _I can’t believe him._ “Yeah, hung out.”

_“Mmh!”_

“Who is he again? I don’t remember you ever talking about him.”

_“Ah. He’s…A cousin. I don’t think I mentioned him before. He’s one of the only person…One of the only people - actually, the only one, I think - that didn’t stop talking to me at school after…I took Dong Bin’s side.”_

“Ah!”

Kris noticed how Suho put importance in choosing the right words, in not making mistakes. He thought before saying what he wanted to say which lessened the fluidity of his speech but forced Kris to remain concentrated on the words being spoken. _He really wants to get better._  

_“He’s nice. He’s my dongsaeng but he sounds older when he speaks sometimes. He’s very serious and…Wise? I like him. He’s a good person.”_

“’Like him’ _like_ him?” Kris raised an eyebrow. He was kind of saddened by the possibility that his friend might have a crush on a person that wasn’t him but was also happy for him if it was the case.

_“What do you m- Oh! No, no. No, I don’t think so. I like him like a person likes a friend.”_

“Platonically.”

_“Platonic...? Yeah, I guess.”_

“’Platonically’,” Kris repeated, “it means to love someone as a friend.”

_“Yeah, ‘platonically’.”_

“Certainly not the way you feel for him,” Xiumin whispered in Mandarin and Kris told him off in the same language.

 _“What was that?”_ Suho wondered.

“Nothing, Xiumin told me something.”

“It’s Xiumin _gēge._ ”

Kris swore mentally. _I’m not even talking in Mandarin._

_“Oh, he’s there? Hi, hyung! Wait, Kris, how do we say…in Chinese?”_

“Gēge.”

Suho repeated. When Kris approved of his pronunciation he was, once again, a ball of happiness. _I wish I could be this happy this easily though._

_“Can you present him to me? I never saw him.”_

“Ah, eh…He wants to see what you look like,” Kris translated to his friend. He didn’t even know why he didn’t simply repeat Suho’s words in English for the older man would surely have understood.

Xiumin groaned but stood up nonetheless and walked behind Kris. He lowered himself so he was in the camera’s frame: “Hey, Suho! I’ve heard a lot about you!”

The Canadian felt the urge to nudge his friend but restrained himself from doing so. _It’s not like I hid Suho the fact that I told my roommates about him._

 _“H-Hey!”_ He heard Suho say.

 _What’s with that stutter?_ His gēge put a hand in his back, where the Korean man wouldn’t see, to calm his possessiveness. _Right. What am I thinking? Why am I reacting this way?_ He was glad that he couldn’t sense any disgust in his friend’s reaction.

_“You look…way younger than what I thought you would look like.”_

“Yeah,” the Chinese laughed, “I get that a lot. Thank you.”

 

 

_“(…) and Dong Bin presented us to a friend of his. He’s cool. He lives in the same apartment building as Dong Bin. He says two of his friends are gonna take an apartment there too and proposed D.O and me could do the same thing.”_

“Oh, so you would be moving out in an apartment with D.O?” 

_“ Maybe.” _

“Right.”

_“D.O’s not sure yet. Dong Bin says I could just live with him for a bit to try it out.”_

“Do you not like living with your parents?”

_“Did you not?”_

“Yeah but me it’s different. I’m staying on the campus because I can’t travel from home to here all the time.”

_“Okay, yeah.”_

“Basically, you just want to see how it feels like to live without your parents?”

_“Yeah.”_

“Sure. I do get the feeling though.”

Kris heard someone scream in the background, a man. Suho sighed.

 _“My brother,”_ the latter explained, noticing the confusion on the Chinese’s face.

“Ah, right. I forgot you had one.”

_“Yep. I need to go, it’s Chuseok tomorrow and my parents want me to help make food.”_

“Chuseok?”

_“Kinda like Thanksgiving?”_

“Oh! Okay! See ya!”

_“See you later!”_

 

 

“Hey!” Kris was exhausted. His posture was shit and so was his pronunciation.

_“Oh! Eh…Hey!”_

“What’s with that reaction?”

_“Nothing.”_

Kris raised an eyebrow. _Yeah, right._

“It’s not nothing. Shoot.”

Just like that he had regained all his energy.

 _“Well, hum…”_ Then, all of a sudden, Suho was acting normally again. _“It’s just that you don’t have a shirt on. I didn’t expect it that’s all.”_

 _Oh._ “Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t think about it. Like I said, I was going to bed…I can put a shirt on if you want?”

He didn’t really understand his friend’s reaction since the guys and him never really cared going naked around each other all the time but _hey some people have different boundaries I guess._

_“Oh, no, no. It’s fine. You’re good-looking so it’s fine.”_

_What?_

Suho had that confident look on his face.

Kris frowned. “Alright…” 

_“So, you said you just came back from a family event: how was that?”_

“Kinda exhausting. I didn’t know half the people so I mostly smiled and nodded at whoever talked to me. Plus, half the people would speak to me in Cantonese while the other half would speak in Mandarin so at the end I was just mixing the languages up together trying to communicate the best I could. Doesn’t help that I’m not that good with Cantonese.”

_“Ah, right. You talked about that before.”_

“Probably.”

_“What did you do? Was there a party or something?”_

“As in: were we celebrating something?”

_“ Yeah.”_

“Nah. It’s just an annual thing my family does apparently. It’s the first time I go since last year I was still in Canada. It’s pretty fancy. Had to wear a suit and all.”

 _“I would have wanted to see that.”_ Suho punctuated his sentence by raising an eyebrow. It was timid but still noticeable.

_Wait, wait, wait._

“As in: the event or..?”

 _“Oh, no. I meant you in a suit.”_ He smiled shyly.

“Eh…Sure. I can send you a picture tomorrow if you want.”

_“Okay!”_

_Okay…He’s just…Like that I guess…_

“How about you? How was your day?”

_“Oh! Right! I wanted to tell you: D.O accepted! I’m going to be moving in with him in December!”_

“Oh, really? That’s great! I’m happy for you!”

_“Thank you. I’m excited because we already go there after school to hang out with them and they are super cool and fun to be with. It’s gonna be super fun and I’m excited!”_

“Do they all go to school with you?”

_“Oh, no. Some of them are way older. But like, we’re all…We’re all kinda related? So they’re like family.”_

“Oh, okay.”

_“Only Dong Bin, D.O and me still go to school.”_

“Oh, so the others are working?”

“Yeah. They’re adults. The oldest is twenty-two I think. He’s like the leader of the group.”

_Oh. So some people actually have leaders for their group of friends? I thought that was only a shape-shifter thing. Sure._

“I see.”

Suho looked down as a smile spread on his lips.

_“Okay, that’s all I wanted to tell you. It was nice talking with you. I’ll let you go to bed.”_

“Sure.  Goodnight!”

“Goodnight! Sleep well!”

“You too!”

 

\-----

 

  **2008-10-11 00:13am**

**Suho:** Hey, I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.

 **Kris:** What are you talking about?

 **Suho:** Hum…When I said you were good-looking and then when I said I would have wanted to see you in a suit. You looked uncomfortable. Sorry.

 **Kris:**  Oh, no. It’s fine. I understand you’re just someone that likes to compliment others that’s fine. I just have to learn how to be less awkward when receiving them :)

 **Suho** : Yeah…I guess I am.

 **Kris:**  Goodnight!

 **Suho:** Goodnight!

 

**2008-10-20 3:29pm**

**Kris:** ARe you alright?

 **Suho:** Yeah, why?

 **Kris:** Okay.

 **Kris:** I heard about what happened in Gangnam.

 **Suho:** What?? What happened in Gangnam?

 **Suho:** Oh!

 **Suho:** I had only heard words of it!

 **Suho:** That’s crazy!

 **Kris:** Yeah.

 **Kris:** Had the same reaction. 

 **Suho:** Thankfully he was arrested.

 **Suho:** I’m kind of scared now XD The world really is filled with crazy people. 

 **Suho:** Thank you for worrying about me by the way.

 **Kris:** Yeah, I don’t really know where you live so I was worried.

 **Suho:** Actually, I live pretty close by. I live in Gangnam-gu as well but a bit more North. 

 **Suho:**  Apgujeong-dong is like above Nonhyeon-dong.

 **Kris:** I see.

 

**2008-10-24 10:45pm**

**Suho:** Hey!

 **Suho:** Are you still up?

 **Kris:** Yeah?

 **Suho:** Wanna chat?

 **Kris:** Sure.

 

\-----

 

“Oh!” He laughed and looked away. _Why am I getting embarrassed?_ “Your turn to be shirtless I see.”

_“I figured it was fine. Is it not? I just took a shower so I didn’t bother to put a shirt on.”_

“It’s fine.” _It’s not like his chest is anything different from anything I’ve ever seen._

_I guess it’s just that it’s his chest._

“You have good collarbones by the way.”

Suho laughed.

_“What?”_

“I said you’re collarbones looked good. They stand out.”

He laughed again and Kris couldn’t help but smile.

“What is it? Can I not compliment your collarbones?”

 _“It’s not that. I was just not expecting it. Why would you compliment them of all things?”_ Another giggle.

“Why not?”

Suho smiled. He wasn’t looking at him. _“Thank you.”_   He continued, _“Maybe I should be topless more often to hear more compliments.”_

His tone was weird and Kris thought it sounded like he was insinuating something. But that probably wasn’t it. Kris probably only heard it that way because he wanted it to be that way.

“It’s not like I’ll always compliment your collarbones.”

_“You could.”_

“Indeed. I could. But it’s not like I will. I’m not really the type to randomly give people compliments. I just noticed that you were the kind to say them when they grazed your mind so I thought I would try doing the same.”

_“Oh. I see.”_

The Korean looked away awkwardly. He passed a hand in his hair, left it there for a time.

_Okay. He looks really cute._

Kris averted his gaze, breathing in and hoping the cold air would cool down his cheeks. Not like that made any sense.

When he looked at his computer again, Suho’s gaze seemed darker. The latter looked down.

_“I’m getting a bit tired. I think I’ll go to bed.”_

“Oh, sure…Are you alright? You’re suddenly really hum…”

_“Yeah, yeah. It’s fine. I just didn’t realise I was this tired when I messaged you.”_

“Oh, okay. Sleep well.”

_“Thanks. You too.”_

 

_What’s with the serious face? What’s with the silence?_

_“Kris…I wanna talk to you about something…”_

“…Sure. Are you alright?”

_“Yeah. I’m okay. I’m not sick or anything.”_

“…Okay…”

As Suho wouldn’t talk, Kris continued his questions.

“Is everything okay with D.O? Are you-“

_“Just wait a bit. I’m making the sentence in my head.”_

“Okay.”

He was alone in his small room and he wished one of the guys was there so that he could share the moment with them. It’s not like he was so nervous that he needed moral support but the silence was making him very awkward and he wished he could joke about it with one of his roommates. Preferably Xiumin, Lay or Chen. It was always uncomfortable to talk about Suho with the two others.

_“So…Hum…I want you to feel totally free to take whatever decision after I tell you this…If you want to stop talking to me for a bit, if you want to stop talking to me for…forever, it’s fine. I’ll understand.”_

Kris frowned. _My god. Did he kill someone?_

_“If you want to turn me down, feel free to do it.”_

_Oh. Oh, wait. Wait?_

_“So hum: I wanted to be clear with you and to say that I am interested in you and…maybe wanted to know if you could also maybe be interested in me?”_

_Oh!_ “Oh.” He couldn’t help but laugh slightly.

_“You…Probably don’t look at me that way…Algesseo.”_

“Oh, no, no! It’s not that! Eh, well, I mean by that, eh…”

_“Hey, it’s alright. I get it. It’s fine.”_

“No, no, really! I…I _do_ look at you like that. I’m just…Very surprised. I didn’t see that coming.”

_“You didn’t?”_

“I should have?”

Suho blushed, grinning from ear to ear.

_“I’ve been flirting with you for like…The past few weeks.”_

“Oh…Really…Oh…Well…At least it’s not ‘few months’.”

Suho giggled.

_Wait. So when he said I had a “sexy voice” he…Oh my god._

“So…Eh…What did you…wanna do?”

“Well…Would you…wanna go out with me?” Suho suggested.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure.” _Really? That’s all I could come up with? “Yeah,sure”? I suck._

But still, Suho was smiling brightly.

_“Okay but, I’ll be honest with you: this is the first time I ask someone out or simply date someone so I have no idea of what I’m supposed to do or how it’s supposed to go like. The only things I know are from watching dramas and general knowledge like: no cheating and…That’s all I can think of.”_

“I also don’t really know what we should do although I do have experience in dating. But that’s just because relationships are always different from a couple to the other.”

_“Okay.”_

“Hum…Well, first off, do you want this to be private or..?”

“ _Oh, eh…I’d say: you can tell your friends and family because I’d want to do that too but…Just don’t post it on the internet.”_

“Sure. So you think your family is gonna be alright with it? Oh, sorry, that might be a touchy subject. Feel free to not answer.”

_“Ah no, it’s fine. My parents are both pretty open-minded. They’ll be happy as long as I’m happy.”_

“And your cousins?”

_“My cousins?”_

“Well, Dong Bin, D.O, the guys you’re gonna move in with.”

_“Oh! Yeah! Them! Yeah, well, they know about you already. They were the ones that pushed me to make a move. Dong Bin mostly.”_

“Oh, I see. Can’t say I’m surprised.”

_“He said the same thing when I told him I had a crush on you.”_

“You had a crush on- okay nevermind I realize that question’s dumb.”

_“Yes. I had a crush on you.”_

Kris’ cheeks went red. He had realized the man had most likely already had feelings for him before asking him out but him explicitly stating them was something else.

_“You’re…Kind of awkward when it comes to feelings…aren’t you?”_

The Chinese man laughed. _Yeah, I guess._ “To be honest, this is the first time I react that way. I guess it’s because usually I was the one to make the first move so…”

_“So this time you just didn’t have time to build your defense?”_

“Yeah. That’s it I think.”

Suho laughed.

 _Or maybe…_ He hesitated to say what was on his mind. _Fuck it._ “Or maybe it’s just that this time is different.”

_Okay, that came out way cheesier than I expected it to be._

It was the younger man’s turn to get shy.

_He doesn’t seem to mind._

“To be honest, since we started skyping…Oh no that’s way too cheesy I’m not saying that.”

_“Yeah, no. It’s fine. Don’t. I understand what you mean. I…I’m happy to hear you feel the same as I do.”_

“Yeah. Me too.”

And for a while they just stared at each other and smiled until someone opened the door, startling Kris.

“Oh! Hey!”

Chen looked suspicious. “It seems like I broke something…” He looked behind the door to see if there wasn’t some random vase that had shattered on the ground. He stared at him once again, mistrustful.

“What’s up?” He noticed the Skype screen. “Oh! You’re chatting with Suho! Hi!” He walked closer to the laptop, waving.

Suho seemed uncomfortable looking from Chen to Kris and from Kris to Chen. He seemed to be waiting for Kris to do something, to speak maybe.

“Wait. Oh! Were you having a serious conversation? I kind of ruined the moment, didn’t I? Sorry. I can come back later if you want.” He was speaking in Chinese so Kris knew Suho wouldn’t understand. 

“Oh, no, it’s fine.” The Canadian understood the man in the screen was waiting for something when his gaze crossed his. No, he wasn’t expecting anything. He was wondering if he would do it. _Yes, I will._ “Hey, um, actually, Chen…” He gave Suho a look before continuing. He spoke in Chinese but knew the latter could still figure out what he was announcing. “Suho and I just decided we would try dating each other.”

Chen remained silent, his startled expression saying it all. He didn’t know who to look at, who to congratulate first.

His eyes landed on Suho. “You are the one that asked, true?” He had switched to English.

_“Yes.”_

He pointed at the Korean man and then at his temple. “You are smart. He would not have realized”

“Fuck you,” came Kris’ voice.

Chen left them to go lie on his bed, chuckling. He put his earbuds in and proceeded to get his textbooks out of his back.

“Sorry about him.”

 _“It’s fine…So…You don’t mind?”_ It was more of a surprised but happy affirmation than a question. _“Aren’t you worried?”_

“About what?”

_“I don’t know. I was asking that like that. I mean…With the distance and all.”_

“Are you?”

_“I’m just simply worried about dealing with a relationship in general so…Distance doesn’t really change anything for me.”_

“Fair enough. But…” He thought about it for a second. “No, I’m not really worried. I wonder how we’ll work it out but I have faith in us.”

Suho grinned. _“I agree.”_

“Plus, we don’t need to forever be miles apart. Korea’s not that far. I could come visit you.”

_“That would be fun. And I’ll have my own apartment! So you can come sleep over!”_

“Yeah!” He ignored the fact that Suho had just mentioned the idea of the both of them sleeping in the same bed. “That would be great!”

Suho was radiant.

_I love him._


	2. Discussing Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic abuse, mention of violence, mention of bruising.

_Ah. He looks kinda sick?_

_“Hey,”_ the man smiled nonetheless.

“Hey, you good? You look kinda…”

_“Ah. Yeah. Well…I told you, right? About how Jung Ho’s roommate found someone?”_

Kris raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you still sleep at your parent’s? How does that impact-“

_“Ah, no. Not that. It’s just…They are cute and I’m happy for him but I’m kind of…Jealous?”_

“Oh. Okay, yeah. I understand.”

_“Yeah…”_

_Shit. It’s awkward. Did I make it awkward? Should I say something?_

Suho lowered his head on his crossed arms, rested on his desk. After a moment, he looked up at his webcam again and raised his head.

_“I wish I could be with you right now.”_

Kris couldn’t help but smile.

“I wish so too.”

_“They just keep on, like, cuddling and kissing…I’m super empathic so it’s as if I was feeling how they are feeling but can’t…Get what they are getting…”_

“Oh my god. I feel you on that. ”

_When the guys are horny it’s horrible, ugh._

_“So I’m…What’s the word for like when you really want this one food?”_

“…Wait, I know what you’re talking about…Ah, wait, I…I have it, I just…”

_“There’s this ‘rrr’ sound in it.”_

Kris nodded while he went to look for the word on the internet.

“Craving!”

_“Yes! Craving! Yeah…I’m like craving hugs.”_

Kris smiled. _Cute._

 _“I keep asking my mom for hugs,”_ Suho laughed while looking away, _“she laughs at me.”_

He hid his face in his hands.

_“I really want to meet up with you some day.”_

“Me too…We could go travel together? After we’re done with school or something.”

 _"Yes.Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I don’t know where to but…Yes.”_ Suho laughed and, suddenly, he was gripping his stomach.

“You good? Does your stomach hurt?”

With a more thorough observation, he noticed the man was in fact simply pushing his arms against his body as if he were cold.

“What’s up? Are you okay? Are you…Do you have a fever?”

_You’re shivering._

_“Hum. Yeah. I’m good. Can we continue our conversation via text?”_

“…Yeah. Sure.”

_“Thanks.”_

With that Suho closed the video call.

“You guys are so cheesy,” Chen spoke up.

“Let them be,” Lay intervened, “they are in love.”

 

\-----

 

**2008-11-19 10:09pm**

 

 **Suho:** Sorry about that :S

 **Kris:** It’s fine. Are you okay though?

 **Suho:** I just kind of started feeling sick.

 **Suho:** Yeah, I’m fine.

 **Kris:** It might be moving out that’s stressing you out.

 **Suho:** Yeah. It could be.

 **Kris:** I would hug you if I could.

 **Suho:** Thanks :)That makes me feel better.

 **Kris:** I could also try to give you a massage although I suck.

 **Suho:** XD Thanks. I appreciate it.

 **Suho:** Can you continue saying things like that..? I know it’s weird but it kinda helps.

 **Kris:** I’d hold you in my arms and listen to everything you want to say until you’re calm enough to fall asleep.

 **Kris:** You’d ask me what would comfort you even more and I’d go buy it for you.

 **Kris** : And if it can’t be bought, I’ll do it.

 **Suho:** Would you kiss me if I asked for it?

 **Kris:** I’d kiss you all night until the sun rises if you told me that’s what you needed.

 **Suho:** You can be so cheesy sometimes XD

 **Kris:** Yeah XD Chen said that too earlier.

 **Suho** : But thanks that’s what I needed.

 **Suho:** Do you think you would like to live with me at some point?

 **Suho:** Like, have an apartment together.

 **Suho:** I’m probably only saying that because I’m craving affection XD Don’t mind me.

 **Kris:** I would though.

 **Kris:** I think it’ll be fun.

 **Suho:** I kind of fear that you would annoy me at the same time XD

 **Kris:** I am hurt.

 **Kris:** XD

 **Kris:** Why is that?

 **Suho:** Sorry XD

 **Suho** : I don’t know. You kind of look like the type of person who would annoy me. You look a bit messy.

 **Kris:** Oh? _I_ look messy?

 **Kris:** Turn around and look at your room.

 **Kris:** Now that I think about it, I kind of fear living with you.

 **Suho:** Okay that is not what I meant.

 **Kris:** I’d die and they’d never find me under all your mess.

 **Kris:** What did you mean?

 **Suho:** I meant like someone I can’t trust. Like a teenager who can’t take care of themselves. Do you understand?

 **Kris:** Wow there. That’s not how you should talk to someone older than you.

 **Kris:** But yeah, I think I understand.

 **Suho:** Sorry :S

 **Kris:** Now that we talk about it, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stand your mess.

 **Suho:** I’ll clean my room if it means I can share it with you.

 **Kris:** Thanks.

 **Kris:** On my side, I’ll try not to act like a teenager.

 **Suho:** I appreciate it.

 

\-----

“Hey!”

_“Hey!”_

“Not too exhausted?”

_“A bit, but I’m good.”_

“I was surprised when you messaged me. I remember when we were finally in the new house I passed out almost immediately.”

_“Yeah, but you had to change countries. Plus you had all of your mother’s and your stuff to move in. I only had my stuff…I must say though that I now realize I have more things than I thought I had.”_

“Yeah…That’s your living room in the background?”

 _“That’s the whole room,”_ Suho laughed.

“’The whole room’? What do you mean?”

_“It’s the only room. Well, apart from the toilet. That’s another room.”_

“Oh, it’s like a bachelor apartment.”

_“Eh…Yeah, that.”_

“So you sleep in the same room as D.O?”

_“Yeah.”_

“Chill. That’s seems alright for a first apartment.”

_“Mmh! Plus we can go see the guys whenever we want so that’s fun too! They’re right next to us!”_

“Ah, that’s neat.”

There was the sound of someone opening and closing a door.

 _“Welcome back!”_ Suho yelled to the new person coming in. _“It’s D.O. Sorry, I’ll be back.”_

He stood up and went to talk with another man, slightly smaller than him. The guy had a plastic bag in one hand and a pack of toilet paper in the other. Suho took the toilet paper to go put it away while D.O stored the food he had just bought in the cupboards.

Kris waited for his boyfriend to be back. He heard students run in the corridors of his dorm.

_“Sorry about that.”_

“Ah, no. It’s fine.”

_“How about you? How was your day?”_

“It was burgh. Studying…Plus the guys aren’t there so it’s just lonely…” He sighed.

_“Aw, that sucks.”_

“Yeah…I really wanna compose these days but like I always get my ideas while doing school work and I can’t just stop to do that, right? So…Yeah. It sucks.”

_“You could write your ideas down to come back to them after you’re done studying, no?”_

“Yeah. I try to do that…I’m just struggling to find motivations in my studies. It doesn’t feel like…No. I know that’s not what I’ll do later. I have no interests in ‘normal jobs’ I want to play basketball, I want to do music…To do things I actually like.”

_“Mmh…I’d like to do music with you.”_

“I’d like so too…” He smiled at the other.

 

***

 

\-----

 

**2008-12-15 1:03am**

**Suho:** Kris?

 **Suho:** Are you still awake?

 **Kris:** Hey, what’s up?

 **Suho:** I can’t sleep. What are you doing?

 **Kris:** Nothing productive.

 **Suho:** XD

 **Kris:** Why? What’s up?

 **Suho:** Oh, nothing.

 **Suho:** I just felt like talking to you.

 **Kris:**?

 **Kris:** Sure.

 **Kris:** You feeling lonely again?

 **Suho:** More like I’m alone and I’m feeling horny.

 **Suho:** And so…I was thinking about you.

 **Kris:** Oh.

 **Suho:** Sorry, does that weird you out?

 **Kris:** Oh no, no, no.

 **Kris:** I like it.

 **Suho:** You like it that I’m thinking about you when I’m horny?

 **Kris:** Of course I do

 **Suho:** Does it turn you on?

 **Kris:** You would like that, wouldn’t you?

 **Suho:** I would.

 **Suho:** Very much.

 **Suho:** Can we Skype?

 **Kris:** The others are sleeping :S

 **Suho:** It’s fine. You won’t need to talk, I just want to show you the new gift Dong Bin gave me :)

 **Kris:** Oh okay sure.

 **Suho:** Okay.

 **Suho:** Wait a bit. I’ll call you.

 

\-----

 

When the video call opened, Kris raised an eyebrow:

“Did you sell your desk and chair?”

Suho giggled. _“No, no. I just thought I would sit on the floor.”_

“Alright,” Kris laughed lowly.

 _“So, hum…”_ He was visibly hiding something behind his back. The Korean man made the other wait for a bit more. _“Here.”_

He revealed Dong Bin’s gift.

A beige thing that seemed to have veins.

 _Oh. That’s a…_ ”That’s a…”

_“Dildo. Yeah.”_

_Oh. Alright. Dong Bin is that type of friend I guess._ He didn’t really know how to react. He was blushing a bit at the thought of Suho using it.

He chuckled awkwardly.

 _“I’ve been…Practicing with it…”_ The man spoke shyly.

He was most likely as red as a tomato by then.

_“And I wanted to show you how I’m doing so far? Would that be fine with you?”_

_Fuck._ “Y-Yeah.”

_“O-okay.”_

Suho lowered his camera. It had most likely been on a chair beforehand and was now on the floor. It was pointed right at the man’s crotch. Kris covered his mouth with his palm and let his hand travel to his own member.

He watched closely as his boyfriend pulled off his pants, revealing an aroused member. He saw his tights shake as he lifted himself up to place the toy under him, saw him lean to the side to come back with a humid hand. He lubricated the toy and the Chinese man couldn’t help but imagine his boyfriend doing the same to his shaft. He jerked himself off.

Suho lowered himself slowly, startled momentarily when his skin touched the object but continuing down nonetheless. His back arched more and more the further in the toy touched. His stomach heaved and dropped slowly with his breath.

Kris kind of wished he could see his face. He was certain the other could see his.

He stared at his webcam.

In his earphones, he heard a tiny complaint.

The Korean man started moving his hips around the dildo fixed on the floor, making more of his soft sounds. He could feel electricity running throughout his body every time he heard them. His lower half was getting heavier he could feel it.

_Damn…I didn’t think Suho would be the type to do this…Does he…desire me this much?_

He was once again attentive to the man’s movement.

He was caressing his arms. It had slowed his rhythm, calmed his eagerness, but seemed to only fuel his arousal. He could see how his penis twitched with every brush of his fingers against his arms. Kris wondered if it comforted him, if he was the type to want to be comforted. He wished to be there so he could wrap his arms around him and shush him.

Suho gasped loudly. It had been adorable. As if something had surprised him.

He stopped for a moment, to breathe.

Kris looked into the webcam, determined to make eye-contact with Suho although he wouldn’t be able to see him. He continued what he had been doing on his side of the screen.

It wasn’t long before his boyfriend did so too on his side. He went quicker and louder, Kris taking a moment to take his ear-buds out to check if the guys would be able to hear it.

Suho didn’t seem to notice.

He was bent forward, a hand on the floor and the other around his member. Sometimes Kris could see a bit of his hair but never his face. God probably knew it would be too much for him to take in yet.

He could see, though, how red his neck was down to his chest; the computer created enough light to let him see his body in the dark room. He could only imagine how hot he must have been feeling.

The thought brought him to the edge so he slowed up his pace, wanting to wait for the other.

 _Damn_. He wanted to be inside the other so bad. He was slightly ashamed of his feelings but, really, just thinking about how warm the Korean would envelop him distracted him too much to continue caring.

And Suho had a hand wrapped around his dick, moaning loud and breathy. Kris would have never thought he could be this _fucking hot._ His body was glistening with sweat and twitching more and more whenever he would lower himself on the toy.

He had slowed his pace, his focus now more on his hard-on, the dildo fully inside him as he rocked himself on it, back and forth.

Suddenly he was mumbling something. It sounded half-panicked, half-pleasured and the Chinese’s instincts made him pick up his pace, finally granting himself release, reaching climax a bit before the other, just as Suho started twitching, his body desperately trying to fight the overstimulation.

 

 

 

 

“Oh, that’s not your apartment,” Kris noticed, “are you back at your parent’s?”

_“Yeah, for the New Year celebrations.”_

“Oh, you guys also celebrate the Lunar New Year? I thought that was only a Chinese thing…”

“Of course they celebrate it,” Chen chimed in.

_“What? No! We celebrate it! We make huge parties too!”_

“I see…So now you’re at your parents for the huge parties?”

_“To help them prepare for them mostly. We were busy making food all day. They sent me off and told me I was done for today but my hyung is still helping them.”_

“Damn. Yeah, we usually eat a lot of food too.”

_“Yeah.”_

Kris heard mumbling as Suho turned around to look at his room’s door. The voice grew louder and louder and the door eventually opened to let in a seemingly frustrated young man. Suho and him spoke and from the tone his boyfriend used, Kris could guess the man was his brother.

Then the man pulled up his shirt and down his pants and Suho started screaming at him, panicked. The man threw himself on his brother’s bed, transforming into a large and furry animal.

_What._

He only saw it for a few seconds before Suho basically threw his webcam on the floor in an attempt to close it. There was parquet and then nothing. The Korean man had closed the call.

_Wait._

Slowly processing what he had just seen, Kris grew more and more excited. _Wait! He’s a shape-shifter too?_ That made things so easier.

He typed fast, barely holding onto his composure.

“What’s up?” Came Xiumin’s voice.

“Suho’s brother just transformed in front of the camera!”

“Transformed..?” Chen questioned.

“Shape-shifted!”

“Wait, what?”

Both Chinese men stood up, going to stand behind him at the computer.

“He’s not answering me,” Kris stated. “If his bro’s a shape-shifter then he must be one too, right?”

“Probably.”

“And he just like transformed like that, as if it was nothing so it’s sure Suho knew…”

Xiumin laughed at his dìdi’s excitement.

“Damn, gē. Your luck is no joke,” Chen commented.

Lay came in. “What’s with the commotion?”

“Kris’ boyfriend is a shape-shifter.”

“We aren’t sure yet,” Xiumin specified.

“Okay: his brother is a shape-shifter; he just transformed in front of the cam.”

“Oh my god! He is!” Kris yelled.

“What did he say?”

“He asked me not to tell anyone.”

“Good start,” Chen teased him.

“Is it fine if I tell him about you guys?”

“Sure, I mean I doubt he would just go and sell us out.”

“Yeah…Yoooo, he’s a wolf shape-shifter!”

“Holy crap. What are the odds…Your luck _really_ is no joke, gē.”

 

 

 

 

_“…but she’s just really so beaming it’s nice to have her around when we put aside the bad sides.”_

Came in D.O’s voice saying things Kris couldn’t understand. The two roommates started discussing, D.O now in the kitchen. He seemed to ask a question to Suho. He sounded like he remembered something.

Kris was just confusedly waiting for an explanation.

_“The other day D.O and I were craving meat and she just went and bought it for us. Like. How sweet is that?”_

“Indeed. You two sound alike.”

_“Who?”_

“You and her.”

_“Her and me? Why do you say that?”_

“Don’t try to tell me that’s not something you would do.”

_“Ah. Yeah. True. I guess we are. Okay, we should go back to our homework.”_

“Yeah.”

One minute hadn’t even passed that Suho was already breathing in, preparing a new sentence.

 _“Okay, but I need to pee,”_ he pouted.

 _“Go pee,”_ D.O replied in his back.

_“But I don’t want to- Wait! You come here. You need to practice your English, don’t you? You two speak a bit while I’m gone!”_

“Sure, I guess.”

D.O got closer to the webcam, all shy. They usually only chatted when Suho was around so when he wasn’t it was slightly awkward.

“So, what’s up with you?”

_“I’m studying.”_

“Ah, yeah, Suho told me about that.”

_“Oh.”_

The Korean looked towards where his friend had gone. _Gosh. Of course, I should have let him continue. Now the conversation is cut short._

_“Oh! I have a new job. I’m working in a handphone shop.”_

“Oh, that’s cool. Cell phone.”

D.O frowned.

“You meant ‘cell phone’.”

_“Ah. Yes.”_

“Suho always makes the same mistake, it’s fine. I hear it so often I even said that myself the other day. My mom was confused.”

_“Ah, yeah, I guess hyung can have that kind of influence on you.”_

“Yeah. Hey, your accent is getting pretty good by the way.”

_“Really? Thanks.”_

“Yeah, you even sound a bit American.”

 _“Thank you.”_ He bowed.

“Have you been practicing?”

_“Yeah, sometimes, with Suho-hyung I do…We try telling ourselves ‘okay let’s only talk English together from now on’ but we usually forget and start speaking Korean again after only like five minutes.”_

“Ah, I see. Yeah, it usually does that when my roommates try to practice with me. I’m just so used to speaking Mandarin with them. It’s weird to speak in English…It kind of feels as if I was acting like another person?”

_“Oh? Oh. Okay. Yeah, I think I understand what you mean. It could feel like that indeed.”_

“Oh, is it just me?”

_“Eh…Yeah, sorry, I guess so.”_

“Oh okay.”

_“Ah, but I sing a lot in English so, maybe that’s why.”_

“Yeah?”

_“Yeah. American songs. It helps, I think.”_

“Sure, yeah. My friends here also learn that way. They also watch a lot of American shows too.”

_“Oh, yeah. I do that as well.”_

_“I’m baaaaaaack.”_

“Talk to you some other time D.O!”

 

***

 

\-----

 

**2009-03-06 9:56pm**

 

 **Suho:** Something’s been on my mind and I really need to get it out.

 **Kris:** Sure, go ahead.

 **Suho:** Our leader is acting really weird these days and it’s starting to really bother me to the point that I’m actually considering moving out.

 **Kris:** What do you mean by “weird”? What is he doing?

 **Suho:** I don’t know I just don’t feel safe around him these days.

 **Suho:** It’s hard to explain.

 **Suho:** He’s like more direct, more like wanting to rule over everything and take every decision for the pack.

 **Kris:** Do you think he might be in rut or something?

 **Suho:** Like he’s getting pissed off for the smallest things and the vibes he gives off are giving me chills.

 **Suho** : It would be like a perpetual rut.

 **Suho:** But no, it’s not that. He still feels like himself.

 **Suho:** It doesn’t feel like it’s his wolf barking at us or like he doesn’t smell like pheromones or anything he’s just being an asshole.

 **Suho:** D.O agrees.

 **Kris:** So D.O sees the same things you do?

 **Suho:** Yeah.

 **Suho:** I don’t know it’s so hard to explain.

 **Suho:** It just feels especially uncomfortable being around him.

 **Kris:** It’s fine, I understand. I mean the fact that both D.O and you would want to quit the pack are a pretty good indicator that things are going bad.

 **Suho:** Yeah

 **Suho:** Talking about the pack: the others are like following him it’s really creepy. They’re so quick to agree with him and all

 **Suho:** It just adds up to the situation and I really don’t feel well

 **Kris:** Dong Bin too?

 **Suho:** No, Dong Bin’s…I don’t know it’s weird, it’s like he doesn’t see anything?

 **Suho:** It feels like he’s taking himself for “the alpha male” or something and the guys are just like “oh yeah that makes sense” like NO it doesn’t make any sense

 **Kris:** Hey, if things get too bad you can always just move out, okay? And if D.O and you don’t feel safe alone I’ll take the first plane to Korea and move in with you guys. That bull will see how hard it is to catch a flying wolf.

 **Suho:** It feels like everything my mom’s warn me about about misconceptions of roles in a pack are gathering inside ours and it makes me really uncomfortable

 **Suho:** XD

 **Kris:** Oh, okay I see.

 **Suho:** Thanks, I appreciate it.

 **Kris:** I’m happy I could make you laugh.

 

**2009-03-18 5:15pm**

 

 **Kris:** Hey! Come online soon!

 

**2009-03-18 8:52pm**

 

 **Suho:** What’s up?

 **Kris:** I want to talk to you about something.

 **Suho** : I’m all eyes

 **Kris:** Pretty sure you made that one already.

 **Kris:** Anyway: so Xiumin-gē really wants to open a café

 **Suho:** Cool!

 **Kris:** And with the others we are kind of thinking about moving out after our studies, like the four of us together

 **Suho:** I see you have decided not to bring the other 2 XD

 **Kris:** Yeah, well, you know how things are

 **Suho:** Yeah XD

 **Kris:** They wouldn’t be really accepting of the two of us.

 **Suho** : …wait, are you asking me if I wanna move out to China??

 **Kris:** Not necessarily China but moving in with us, yes

 **Kris:** I mean we’ll probably have to have a rather big apartment but we can sleep in the same room and the other’s said they didn’t mind sleeping in one together so maybe like a 2 rooms are 3 if we get lucky and if D.O wants to come with as well that would probably be ideal

 **Kris:** *others

 **Suho:** A house. You are not thinking about an apartment, you are thinking about a house.

 **Kris:** I’m sure we can find something without it being a whole house.

 **Suho:** You aren’t in Canada anymore

 **Kris:** Hey! The guys agree with me, okay? And they all come from here even if they aren’t from Guangdong. We’ll find something.

 **Suho:** Thank you for proposing that I live with you :) I love you :)

 **Kris:** :) Me too :)

 

**2009-04-17 6:17pm**

**Suho:** Can we Skype? It’s urgent.

 

\-----

 

“Hey, what’s up?”

_“I don’t want to live here anymore. I totally don’t feel safe and…Oh my god, Kris, he beat up his girlfriend.”_

“Wait, your leader did?”

Shivers ran through his spine.

_“Yeah, she was all bruised up today and she felt so…Terrified.”_

Suho had a gag reflex. A real one. He wasn’t faking. He was feeling nauseous just thinking about someone else’s feelings. _Shit._

“Shh, calm down, okay? I’m here; I will help you go through this. You aren’t alone.”

_“We knew something was wrong but we didn’t do anything. Fuck! We could all feel how messed up she was feeling.” _

“Shh, Suho, hey, Suho. It’s not your fault. I’m here, okay? Get the phone, call the police: this is domestic abuse; you need to warn an authority. Her bruises are proofs of what he’s done and they won’t disappear since he’s a shape-shifter too. Call the cops.”

_“Kris, she’ll never admit he did those. She’ll lie or something. He’s her mate, remember? She won’t let him get in prison.”_

“Even then, if the police comes by, he’ll know he’s suspected for it and he’ll be more-“

_“You haven’t seen him go. If he discovers one of us called the police he won’t even care who did it he’ll just throw a tantrum and break everything and I don’t wanna be there when that happens. I just wanna get out of here!”_

_“Suho?”_

D.O hurried inside their apartment, most likely coming back from his job. He walked to his friend, noticed he was skyping. Kris and him had an eye-contact, he questioned the situation.

Suho was sobbing and Kris honestly didn’t know what to do. What the fuck was happening? He felt so…He was feeling so many things.

“Okay, hum…I’m going to do research, I’ll find us a place or something, we’ll get you two out of the country, get _her_ out of the country and not tell him and we’ll find somewhere he won’t find us and you’ll be safe and she and D.O too, okay?”

Suho nodded. His roommate apparently understood what they were talking about, lowering his head.

“Yeah? Okay. Remember you two are together right now, and I’m only a Skype call away from you okay. You aren’t alone. Hum…Call your parents too if there’s anything, I’m sure you can go sleep at their place for now if you don’t feel safe home.”

_“Yeah but I don’t want to leave her alone.”_

“Bring her with you.”

_“He won’t let her go. He’s…It’s like he has a leach around her or something.”_

“O-okay.”

Kris breathed out. _Holy shit that’s fucked up._

_“I wanna leave; I don’t wanna stay here anymore.”_

“Hold on just a bit more. I’ll find us a place. Just leave it to me, okay? You calm down and take care of yourself, okay? I’m here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Heya! I'm back! I got stuck but the other chapters should be coming more quickly! Also, I`ve been writing for Collars and Bows so if you`re feeling horny, go check that out and also check out my NSFW twitter: @UnciaD or my not NSFW account @sakuraskeletonk :)


	3. Shift in Horizons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for homophobia and implied mention of suicide

“If their coffee is not as good as Starbucks’, I’m suing you.” Man Soo stated.

“Dude, you are biased when it comes to Starbucks, you’ll sue me whatever the coffee tastes like.” Byung Hun claimed.

“That’s the idea.”

They entered the coffee shop. The fans on the ceiling were turning rapidly but it didn’t help much with the heat of this summer day. He pitied the people that had to work that day without air conditioning. _Note to self: try to find a work-place where they have A.C when you’ll be searching._

They had come to this specific coffee shop to meet with Byung Hun’s hyung. _“He gets bored easily these days.”_ His friend had explained to them before they left their school books and uncomfortable desk chairs. He now understood why: there were barely any clients. People had most likely preferred to stay home and study for their upcoming exams in the coldness of their houses. He probably should have done the same but Byung Hun could be very persuasive some times. _Doesn’t his hyung have exams to study for too anyway? How can he get “bored”._

As they walked to the counter, Baekhyun glanced around the shop: it had a modern and woody décor that made the atmosphere serene and welcoming. It looked like a nice place, maybe he would come again. His eyes caught a calendar. It was the type he never saw in real life and only in cartoons like SpongeBob, those that had papers for every day of the year and for which you had to take one off to change the date.

  1. were the ninth of June.



“ Oh! You came! ”

The man behind the cash was everything a man would wish to look like. 

“ Yep, and I brought company too: friends from school. ”

_ So that _ _ ’ _ _ s him.  _ It surprised Baekhyun that his friend had such a handsome hyung. Really, his looks were no joke. It was kind of intimidating even. He was tall; had clear skin, although a bit dark; his hair was styled nicely like it was popular for idol ’ s these days...He was most likely someone that took care of his appearance. _I should do that too. Maybe I would suit that kind of haircut?_

“ Baekhyun, Jung Ho; Jung Ho, Baekhyun. ”

_ Wait. Did they say my name? _

“ Sorry, I wasn ’ t paying attention, what did you say? ”

His friends laughed and so did the cashier. 

“ I was polite enough to introduce you to my hyung and you don ’ t even listen, do you even deserve to be called my friend? Why did I even bring you here? ”

“ Sorry... ” _As expected of Byung Hun._

His friend sighed jokingly. 

“ So, I said...Are you listening? ”

“ Yes. ”

“ You sure? ”

“ Yes. ”

“ Okay so, this is Jung Ho, he is the hyung I told you two about, and Jung Ho, this is Baekhyun, we go to school together. ”

The latter bowed to the older man and he imitated him laughing slightly. Baekhyun ’ s gaze lingered on him once again. 

“ How did you meet again? ” Man Soo asked 

“ He helps my younger brother with math. ”

“ Ah, right,  ‘ cause you ’ re not smart enough to do that by yourself. ”

“ Hey, I have my own worries in life, alright? ”

“ Yeah, right. ”

_ I wish I had a jaw like his.  _

He felt his friend ’ s eyes land on him to then glance at Jung Ho. Baekhyun looked at him. 

“ You look like a woman in love, ” Man Soo teased. 

“ That ’ s... ” Baekhyun turned to the cashier blushing slightly, his eyes apologizing.  “ Sorry, it ’ s just...You look very handsome; it feels unfair. ”

The other chuckled.  “ Thank you. ”

“ Aw, Baek is this love at first sight? ” Byung Hun joked.

“ I think it might be, ” the other dramatically entered his game. 

Glancing at Jung Ho in their general hilarity, the pink on his cheeks only became deeper. 

“ But in all seriousness, ” Man Soo started,  “ you have very good looks and body proportions; your parents must be proud. I share Baek ’ s jealousy. ”

“ Mmh, if that is true, they must be very happy to have chosen me over other kids. ”

“ Chosen? ” Man Soo glanced at Byung Hun who explained shamelessly:  “ he ’ s adopted ” .  “ Ah! I didn ’ t know, sorry. ”

“ It ’ s fine. ”

“ The question is: are you rich as well? ” Baekhyun asked.  “ Because if you are, you could totally fit all the requirements to be the main character of a drama. ”

“ Sadly, I am not. Although I wish I was. ”

“ You can ’ t have everything, ” Byung Hun commented. 

“ You ’ re right. Okay but, guys, I hope you ’ re planning on buying something because if not I ’ ll have to kick you out. ”

“ Are you going to pay for us? We ’ re all your dongsaengs after all. ”

“ Are you kidding me? ”

“ I ’ ll take that for a no. Sad, I was in the mood for free food. ”

“ Not today. Today, I ’ m poor. I ’ ll bring you guys out for dinner someday, okay? ”

“ Is it an official invitation? ”

“ It ’ s an official invitation. Now, what do you wish to take? ”

 

 

 

 

“ It really is a nice night, ” Baekhyun sighed happily. His friends had already reached home and he was walking with Jung Ho who was heading in the same direction as him. 

The man hummed. He was walking beside his bicycle. 

“ It always feels nice to go back home after work in this weather. No clouds so I don ’ t need to hurry back home in fear of rain and not too cold for me to need a coat but just enough so that I can appreciate the temperature. ”

“ Ah, really? I wouldn ’ t say no to a coat right now, ” the younger man laughed. 

“ I wish I could lend you one but sadly I don ’ t have one with me. ”

“ It ’ s fine. I don ’ t mind it that much; I ’ m just a bit cold. It ’ s probably because I ’ m thinner. ”

“ I don ’ t think so. I just stay warm more easily than most people. I don ’ t think it has something to do with the different body types we have. ”

Baekhyun giggled:  “ You surely are a warm person. ”

“ What do you mean? ”

“ You don ’ t need to comfort me, leave that to your girlfriend. ”

As he understood what the shorter man had implied earlier, Jung Ho laughed. 

“ I told you before, I don ’ t have a girlfriend. ”

“ And I don ’ t believe you. It ’ s certain you have a girlfriend. As certain as there is a ground below our feet. Truth is: you just want to keep her to yourself so you don ’ t talk about her. ”

Jung Ho stopped walking.  “ I think you should try finding wings then, Baekhyun. ”

Baekhyun also came to a halt. His hyung starred at him to convince him that he was telling the truth. They stayed like that for a moment until Baekhyun spoke up. 

“ There ’ s no way you aren ’ t lying. You ’ re way too handsome to be single. ”

“ But I am not lying. ”

“ You can ’ t tell me you don ’ t have any girls asking you out. ”

“ I didn ’ t say I didn ’ t. ”

Baekhyun frowned. 

“ But... ”

His eyes became big and his mouth opened in a wide smile as an idea made its way in his head. It quickly transformed into a knowing look.

“ I see... ”

Jung Ho raised an eyebrow. 

“ You ’ re just not someone that settles down. I wish I could live a life like that. ”

“ What? ” The older man chuckled.  “ I didn ’ t think you would be the type to be dirty minded. No. That ’ s not it. ”

“ Then what is it? ”

Jung Ho ’ s smile faded slightly. 

“ School. ” He continued walking. 

“ School? ” His dongsaeng followed him.  “ You are choosing not to have a girlfriend because of school? Heol. ”

Baekhyun covered his mouth, stopping his walk once again. _Shit._

Seeing his face, the other smiled. 

“ It ’ s fine. You can speak informally with me. I don ’ t mind. ” Jung Ho declared. 

“ Really? ”

“ Yeah. ”

“ Okay. Nice...Do you still want me to call you hyung? ”

“ That yes. ”

“ Alright. Then, hyung, what is it with school that makes you not want to have a girlfriend. ”

“ I ’ m just...Busy. It would be a bother to have a girlfriend. ”

“ Cause you would want to treat her right? ”

“ Yeah. ”

“ Ah...You ’ re a good man then. ”

 

 

 

 

 

Opening the door to his house, Baekhyun heard his mother sigh. _Shit. Did I come home too late?_

“ Why do they even need festivals? ”

_ Ah, no. She _ _ ’ _ _ s watching tv.  _

“ I know they can ’ t change how they are and I pity them for that but is it really necessary that they walk in the streets like that and just shove it in people ’ s faces? What about the children watching? ”

“ Mmh, ” his father agreed. 

“ Children are easily influenced. If they see things like this many of them will think it ’ s cool and want to associate to them and soon we ’ ll have a problem as they have right now in America. It ’ s good that they don ’ t let themselves be depressed because of...how they are, but forcing it upon others is egoistic. We ’ ve seen what happened to Kim Ji Hoo It ’ s horrible. ”

“ Yeah. ”

“ What are you guys talking about? ” Baekhyun entered the living room. 

“ Ah, honey, you ’ re back! ” She stood up and walked up to him.  “ I didn ’ t even hear you enter. Did you have fun with your friends? ”

“ Yeah, it was fun. What were you talking about with dad? You sounded angry. ”

She turned to his dad, hesitant. 

“ He ’ s eighteen, I think he ’ s old enough to hear about this, ” the man declared. 

“ Okay...Eomma was angry because she saw on the news that in Daegu this year they decided to have a festival for homosexuals...Are there any at your school? ”

“ No, ” the son answered,  “ not that I know of. ”

“ Do you guys talk about it in school? Do you talk about it with Byung Hun and Man Soo? ”

“ Not really... ”

His parents looked concerned. Especially his mom. 

“ What do you think of them? Do they scare you? ”

“ I...I don ’ t really know? Should I be worried about something? ”

“ Eomma sure is, ” she said,  “ Appa too. We worry about the future of our society, about your future. I don ’ t know how it ’ ll be for you...They ask to present themselves as couples...To be able to get married...But that will undeniably affect how our society functions. It ’ s our duty as Koreans to form families to give a chance to the future generation and to make sure that our country prospers. To give you guys and your children a chance to make advances in technology, in medicine...To give you guys a chance to make our world better...That ’ s how it ’ s always been. And look at the progress we ’ ve made: it ’ s incredible! ”

“ But these people want to change how things are ” , she continued,  “ and Eomma is worried for you. When Appa and Eomma will be gone...Eomma fears that moment. Eomma wishes that she could always be by your side but sadly she can ’ t. ”

Her eyes sparkled, humid from her tears. Baekhyun laughed awkwardly. 

“ Eomma, I think you need to calm down...That sounds farfetched... ”

Her eyebrows furrowed. 

She gripped his shoulders and he looked at his dad for help, confused by the serious of his mother. His father ’ s expression was as somber as hers. 

“ Adeul, never let others force you to do things you don ’ t want to do, huh? ”

“ Why are you saying that? ”

“ You are a handsome boy and some people might ask you to do them some services in exchange of a job maybe or simply good grades- “

“ Eomma! ” Both his father and him shouted. Baekhyun continued:  “ I ’ m not ten anymore, that won ’ t happen to me. ”

“ What you are implying is disgusting. He ’ s a grown man; he ’ s not na ï ve enough to get into this kind of problems. ”

“ You ’ re probably right...Sorry, Baekhyun-ah, Eomma didn ’ t mean to scare you. ”

 

 

 

 

He entered his room, not bothering to open the light knowing he wasn ’ t going to be up for a long time. He locked his door and undressed after throwing his cell-phone on his bed. 

As he was getting his underwear off, he received a notification. The device lit the entire room. 

He took it in his hands and hurried under the covers. 

“ Ah, it ’ s hyung. ”

The man he had just met had sent him a friendship request. 

He accepted. 

He put his phone away and closed his eyes. 

He opened them a few minutes later. There was something on his mind. 

“ _ You look like a woman in love. _ ”

“ _ It _ _ ’ _ _ s just...You _ ’ _ re very handsome _ ”

“ _ Aw Baek, is this love at first sight? _ ”

“ _ I think it might be. _ ”

_ No...They wouldn’t think I’m gay right? They know I was joking...Surely...They know I like girls. I _ ’ _m just able to accept that men can be handsome too...It’s fine that I found Jung Ho hyung handsome. He is handsome, it’s a fact. There’s no denying it. Man Soo even said he also thought he was handsome…_

As if he had been another person in the room, he imagined himself at the caf é again blushing like crazy while he looked at Jung Ho. 

_ I hope he didn’t see me. He would probably think I’m weird. It’s not normal for a guy to look at another guy like that. It mustn’t be. It might be fine to recognize a guy is handsome but…Why would I react that way? Why is it that a man was able to make me blush?  _

_ “You look like a woman in love.”  _

_ That’s weird, isn’t it? Am I not normal?  _

_ No, I find girls pretty.  _

_ They are…Yeah, they are pretty.  _

He tried to think about a girl at school he found was stunningly beautiful. He closed his eyes tightly to be able to imagine her clearly. 

He created a scenario in his head: 

They met randomly, walking the city. Her voice chimed his name and got his attention. 

“Ah, it’s you.” 

She smiled brightly. 

“I wasn’t expecting to see you today, but I’m happy I did,” she spoke. 

“Ah, it’s the same for me.” 

She was wearing tight jeans. He liked when women wore jeans, especially if they had nice bodies. Jeans emphasized the female’s body perfectly, he found. It highlighted their curves and the soft shape of their appearance. 

“Should we speak comfortably since we are outside of school? I always wished to speak comfortably with you…” 

“Oh, sure. I too had this wish for a moment now…I won’t deny that I would want to close the formal distance there is between us.” 

“Really? I’m happy to hear we share similar feelings.” 

“Yeah, me too.” 

“I was walking home,” she said, pointing to the direction of her house, “would you want to come with me? We could talk more over there.” She smiled. Her smile was pretty. 

He accepted and they went to her house. There was no one there. It was only the two of them. 

She brought him to her room. 

She sat on her bed and invited him to do so as well. He accepted. 

When he was sitting next to her, she spoke: “Truth is, Baekhyun-“ 

_ Ah no. Skip that.  _

She kissed him. 

He imagined them making out intensely and that was fine. He liked that. He didn’t mind that. He felt himself blushing a bit even, thinking about it. Then, she stood up. She was smiling at him and there was confidence in her eyes. She took off her shirt the sexy way, the one they show in movies: her arms crossed to reach for the edge of the shirt at first and then uncrossed as her shirt was being lifted. She had a generous breast propped by an elegant white lace bra. 

He felt tears come up to his closed eyes. 

_ Maybe it’s too big? Maybe that’s it? Maybe I like smaller…Fuck! Why can’t I like breasts? I should like breasts, no? I’m a man. Men should like breasts. _

_ Wait. Maybe it’s just that I don’t like breasts. That doesn’t mean I’m gay. No, it doesn’t. I just…Need to concentrate on something else.  _

He looked at the girl, trying to find something to lend his eyes on that would arouse him.

_ She’s taking her clothes off, shouldn’t I like that? Shouldn’t that be enough to get me back into the mood?  _

_ What is wrong with me?  _

_ What is wrong with you, Baekhyun?  _

 

 

 

 

Morning came and woke him up. 

_ Ah. Right. Last night happened.  _ It really was a thought far in his head that he mostly ignored. He had concluded that he was probably simply tired and forced himself to fall asleep. In that new day, he was determined to not think about the subject at all and to simply act as if his late night crisis hadn’t happened. 

When he got out of his room to go eat breakfast, it was already on the table. His mom smiled at him. 

“Adeul, good morning.” She brought his eyes back on the table. “I made breakfast for you, eat all you want.” 

“Thanks, Eomma.” 

_ Would she still smile at me like that if I ended up liking men?  _ The fear was small but present. Baekhyun denied that fact. 

“I wanted to apologize for yesterday…” She said when he sat down. “But you should understand that a mother worries for her children. It’s our duty.” 

“It’s fine, eomma.” He laughed. 

She sat down next to her husband and looked at her son eating. She seemed like the happiest woman alive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Take care <3


	4. Holding the Barricade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for homophobia, internalized homophobia and heteronormativity.

A week had passed and Baekhyun had been able to not give much thought to his sexuality questioning. No thought at all in fact. At least, not consciously. He had been thinking about school and exams way too much anyway; he didn’t have time to stress about other things. Therefore, he was doing as well as he would have in past circumstances, feeling as if there was nothing troubling him apart from school, of course. He rose early and stayed late at school every day just as usual to study most of the time, only taking breaks once in a while. 

When the weekend came, that dinner happened. 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun noticed Jung Ho waiting alone outside of the restaurant where they were supposed to meet and trotted his way to him as if his heart hadn’t just skipped a beat. 

“Hey! Jung Ho!” 

“Hey, you! How have you been?” 

“Good! You? What have you been up to?” 

“I’m fine, I’ve been studying for uni, going to uni and working pretty much every single second I could’ve otherwise had for free time. The usual.” He laughed. “You?” 

Baekhyun blushed to the sight of Jung Ho smiling down at him and looked away, searching for an answer to his question. Funny he even had to look for one. This was plain chit chat. It was the type of question he answered every day without needing to make even one brain cell work. But then his mind went blank. 

_ I certainly have not been questioning my sexuality and have not been getting in some sort of existential crisis since I met you. That’s certainly not what I have been up to.  _

Luckily for him, before Baekhyun could humiliate himself, their friends arrived and, together they entered the barbecue restaurant. 

Throughout the dinner, Baekhyun tried to avoid as much eye-contact as possible with Jung Ho. If he looked at him, his friends would think he was gay. _Which I’m not._ He had also been talking less than usual, not comfortable doing so anymore. Which his friends had been quick to notice. 

“You okay, Baek?” Came first Man Soo’s voice. 

“Yeah, dude,” Byung Hun added, “you’re…quiet. It’s weird.” 

“You feeling sick?” Man Soo again. 

Baekhyun was trying to convince himself that he wasn’t struggling mentally with the possibility of being a homosexual. 

“Oh. No, no. It’s not that…Last night, hum, I stayed up late.” He lied. “So…I’m a bit tired. Sorry.” 

“But you knew we were coming to have dinner together…” Man Soo complained. 

“Sorry…” 

“Explain yourself, Baek. What could be so important to you that you would put aside fully enjoying time with your best friends? Plus, shall I remind you that hyung invited us? Out of respect for him, you should have gone to sleep early.” 

“Ah, come on, Man Soo. You’re being annoying. You don’t need to know what I was up to last night.” 

_ Fuck Man Soo and his condescending remarks.  _

“What is it Baek, is it something you can’t tell in public?” Byung Hun added. 

That gave Baekhyun an opening. _I can just say I was watching porn. They’ll get that._

He faked being shy. 

“Dude, did you get yourself a girl last night?” Byung Hun asked. 

_ Ah. That could have been an idea too.  _ “Um…Not literally. I…Yesterday, I had nothing to do and…” He lowered his tone: “I found this new actress and I just…Couldn’t help myself, ya know?” 

“That’s your reason?” Man Soo continued whining. 

“Sorry…” 

“Come one, Soo, it’s not like you never did something like that.” Byung Hun supported him in what he didn’t know was a complete lie. 

“…True.” Man Soo admitted and then laughed. 

 

When they were done eating, Jung Ho proposed they go hang out somewhere else. Proposition that both Man Soo and Byung Hun declined, declaring that they had other plans. 

“Alright, see ya!” 

“See ya!” 

Jung Ho waited for them to walk away before turning to Baekhyun who didn’t look up. 

“Did you…Have anywhere you needed to go?” He asked him. 

“Hum…” _I should go back to studying._ “No. No, I’m free.” He wanted to stay with him a bit more. Just a bit more. 

“Wanna hang out only the two of us then?” 

Baekhyun was scared by how much he wanted to stay with his hyung. “Sure.” 

 

 

 

 

“Feel at home,” Jung Ho welcomed him in his house. 

“Thanks. You’re living here with your parents?” 

“Mmh! But they’re working right now so…No need to be careful of your words.” 

“Got it,” Baekhyun giggled. 

His heart was beating fast, extremely fast. He was so _happy._ He was spending time with Jung Ho. It felt nice to spend time with him, to be getting closer to him but that also terrified him. 

He wasn’t normal. He was sick in the head. To like a man like that; it wasn’t normal. 

_ As long as nobody finds out.  _

He followed Jung Ho in his room. The taller man sat on his bed as Baekhyun entered the room. 

“I have a PlayStation, wanna play?” 

“I’m always down to play video games.” 

They prepared the game and sat next to each other on Jung Ho’s bed. The younger man still didn’t want to make eye-contact. They were too close to each other. He held the remote nervously. 

From the corner of his eyes, Baekhyun saw his hyung look at him, put the remote away and turn to him. 

“Baekhyun,” he started. Said man turned his face but his gaze was still on the television. “Are you gay?” 

The younger man’s blood ran cold. He stood up hurriedly and stared into Jung Ho’s eyes. 

“What the hell? Of course, I’m not gay!” He yelled. _What gave it away? Is it that easy to see? What if the others could see too?_ “Are you out of your mind?” 

Jung Ho was surprised by his tone but he remained calm. 

“I don’t think it’s a bad thing.” 

Baekhyun wanted to believe him but it was most likely a trap to make him confess or something. He didn’t know anyone who would say gay people weren’t wrong. 

“I’m not gay! Why would you think something like that?” 

“Baekhyun, there are plenty of gay people around the world. It’s not bad.” 

“It’s not _natural._ ” He crossed his arms, holding onto them tightly. 

“It’s natural. You’re just not used to seeing it because our society doesn’t want to show it to us. But, in America, you can see it all the time.” 

“Americans are weird. They aren’t a model to follow…And, anyway, I like girls. I find them hot just like any other guy and I jerk off to porn just like any other guy. I’m not gay.” 

Only the menu music of the video game they had put could be heard in the room for a moment. Baekhyun remained standing, arms crossed, staring at the ground while Jung Ho kept his eyes on him. 

“You don’t need to lie to me, alright? I won’t judge you…I won’t tell anyone either.” 

“I’m not-” Baekhyun was cut by the uncontrollable shaking of his chin and the ball in his throat. He turned around, not wanting Jung Ho to see him. 

“Sorry,” he said. “I’m…I’m tired.” 

“You don’t need to say it if you don’t want to, but I know, okay? And I want you to know that what you’re feeling is normal although everyone around you might tell you otherwise.” 

_ What if they found out? What if my parents found out?  _

“And you don’t need to be scared. I won’t tell anyone.” 

“Thank you…”

“I wanted to ask too…Would I be wrong if I guessed that you…Have a crush on me? Am I wrong?” 

Baekhyun tensed up. _Is he reading my mind? What is this guy even?_

Jung Ho giggled. “So I’m right.” 

The younger man turned around. “I’m sorry. I didn’t…I don’t…I…Sorry.” 

His hyung continued laughing. “I’m relieved though. I thought you were mad at me or something today. You barely crossed eyes with me.” 

“I’m really sorry; I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

Jung Ho smiled, understanding. He signed him to come to sit down again which Baekhyun did, awkwardly, being careful to keep distance between them. 

“Do you think the guys noticed?” 

“I don’t think they even believe it exists…They would never take that guess.”

The smaller man nodded, breathing again. 

“I’m guessing you only just started questioning yourself...” Jung Ho’s voice was reassuring; it felt like it was fine to open up to him. 

Baekhyun nodded again. “I don’t know…The other day my mom and dad talked to me about some parade in Daegu and when I went to bed I just…Started thinking about you and how it was weird for me to…Think you’re attractive. I mean: it’s not normal, it’s not natural. I’m not normal. I’m supposed to have an instinct to procreate, to…Make sure my genes continue to be there.”

“That’s a very caveman-like way of thinking.” Jung Ho laughed. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I think that, if you don’t have the instinct to have a child of your own, then…Maybe it’s just that God created you with another purpose for you in mind.” Seeing Baekhyun didn’t answer, Jung Ho continued: “Kind of like my mother: I believe she wasn’t able to have children so that she and my dad could give me a family and a home.” The younger man kept on frowning, not looking at him anymore. “What is it?” 

“You think God created me?” 

“…Well, yeah? I don’t think anyone else could be able to create such a beautiful being as you.” 

The smaller man blushed. 

_ What? What does he mean? Is he…Flirting? Wait, he’s gay?  _ He wasn’t sure how he wanted to react to that. He wanted to be happy but at the same time, there was this alarm in his head that made him want to run away. Maybe he was manipulating him? Maybe he was trying to play with his mind? Maybe he only had impure intentions? That could explain why he had been so quick to accept him and maybe that was why he was acting so calmly.

He wanted Baekhyun to lower his guards. 

The latter moved away subtly. He gulped. “What do you mean?”

“I like you too, Baekhyun.” 

“You’re gay.” He didn’t look at him. 

“…Yeah. I’ve known since middle school. That’s why I don’t have a girlfriend.” He smiled. “That and because…I’m kind of a lone wolf usually,” he joked. “Relationships like that…I’ve just never been really into them...But I guess that may have also been because I never thought I could have something like that since…Well…It’s kind of hard to find other homosexuals in a country where it’s taboo to be out.” He risked looking at Baekhyun again but the latter still wouldn’t meet his eye. “I went to Spain with my parents like three, four years ago and they were legalizing homosexual marriage over there.” 

That got Baekhyun to turn. “Really?” 

“Yep! There are plenty of people around the world that believe that people like you and me are perfectly normal…My parents for example; they know about my sexuality and…They accept me.” 

“My parents would never…”

“I disagree. They’re your parents; they love you. They’ll have no choice but to accept you.” 

“No. You would know if you had heard them the other day…I don’t think they would even consider me as their child anymore if they ever found out.”

“If you want I can help you find a way to tell them…” 

“No! I don’t want to tell them. They must never find out. Please, don’t tell anyone.” 

“Okay. If you don’t want to, I won’t tell them.” 

“Thank you.” 

 

 

 

 

He started spending more and more time with Jung Ho. Before vacation they would mostly chat on social media, only meeting in person once in a while but when school stopped they hung out a lot more. 

Whenever Jung ho wasn’t working they would meet outside, with friends or without. The younger man didn’t really know how to feel about that. He thought being with someone like Jung Ho all the time was nothing to help him be a bit more normal but at the same time, being with him simply felt good. He was nice and cared for him and weirdly, he liked that. In dreams, thoughts of being with the man enchanted him and when he woke up he was confused. When he imagined himself as part of a couple, he thought only he should look out for the other, comfort them. His idea of a relationship was a need to be strong and to keep his head high. But then with the Jung Ho of his dreams – and the actual one too to be honest - he was vulnerable and it felt relieving. It was nothing to help his crush on the older man. 

He was scared others would find that their sudden friendship would be weird but no one seemed to care. His friends had grown used to having Jung Ho around and his parents had totally fallen in love with him. They thought the older man was a good influence for him. 

_ If they knew.  _

 

 

 

 

August came and, with it, Jung Ho’s birthday on the 5th. 

_ “I’m working during the day so I thought you could simply come over at my place after I’m done and eat with us. You could sleep over if you want?”  _

Why did he agree to this? The stress of getting discovered was coming back. 

Wouldn’t his parents figure something was weird with them? A guy asking only one of his other male friends to come over for supper on his birthday…It was weird, no? And then going as far as inviting them to sleep over...Wouldn’t they suspect something was weird? 

“Hey, Baekhyun,” Jung Ho’s mom welcomed him in, “Jung Ho’s not home yet but he should arrive soon.” 

_ Great.  _

“How are you doing, Baekhyun?” His dad asked from the kitchen. His wife showed him to the dining table and he sat on one of its chairs, the woman going into the kitchen to help her husband. 

“I’m good.” _I’m really stressed out._ “How are you?” _Please don’t hate me. Please don’t think I’m weird._

“Good, good.” 

His parents were always so nice to him. He really didn’t want to get kicked out from their home. 

He heard the door open. _Oh, thank god._

“There he is,” there was a smile in his friend’s dad’s voice. 

“Hey, birthday boy, how was your day?” His mom asked when he arrived in the kitchen. 

“It was fine,” the other replied, “I was lucky enough to not get any mean clients.” 

“That’s great!” 

“When did this kid arrive?” He pointed at Baekhyun, teasing him. 

The younger man smiled.

He noticed when the other frowned. 

Baekhyun didn’t understand. He had smiled, hadn’t he? He had tried so hard to brush his nervousness away, why was Jung Ho frowning? 

 

 

 

 

“Are you sure you’re fine on the floor?” Jung Ho asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“Cause we can exchange if you want.” 

“No, it’s fine.” 

“…Are you alright? You-“ 

“Yeah, why?” Baekhyun chuckled. Even he could hear that it sounded fake.

“…I don’t know, it felt that you were not comfortable at our table or something…Did something happen with my parents?” 

“No. No, it’s fine.” He did his best to sound light-hearted. 

“Okay.” 

Jung Ho let the previous conversation properly wither before asking a new question: “You could sleep with me on my bed if you want; I wouldn’t mind. I’m pretty sure there’s enough space for the both of us.” 

Baekhyun didn’t give any answer; he didn’t know how to reply. He couldn’t tell if Jung Ho was making a move on him or if he was genuinely concerned about his comfort. 

He heard him move and automatically Baekhyun looked at him. 

Turned out Jung Ho had shifted to look at him. Of course, they had to make eye contact. Of course. 

_ What should I do? Should I look away? I should, shouldn’t I? _

He laughed again, trying to find an answer that wouldn’t come out as rude or simply cheerless. 

_ But then he’ll think I have something to hide. Or maybe he’ll think-  _

“Or you scared of me or of my parents?” 

It was so direct. Baekhyun froze. It’s as if he was implying he knew it was one or the other. _Both?_

“My parents never come in my room uninvited, if that’s what you’re worried about. They want me to have my private space. So, no worries. And even if they did see us, they wouldn’t be weirded out or assume you’re gay because we’re sleeping on the-“ 

“Shh!” 

“They won’t hear us.” 

Baekhyun stared at the door, worried. 

“And _I_ won’t do anything to you.” He sounded slightly angry. _Understandable. I can’t bring myself to trust him after all._ “Unless you want me to.” 

“I don’t.” 

He had said that without thinking, as a reflex to defend his insecurities. 

Jung Ho didn’t reply. 

Baekhyun felt terrible. 

He stood up, lifted the older man’s covers and made his way under them. He lied down, facing Jung Ho who seemed surprised of his decision. 

Baekhyun quickly became aware of their proximity. 

Maybe that was what had made Jung Ho look at him with such big eyes.

They weren’t even that close, a hand could lie between their faces, and their noses were still a few centimeters apart from each other but for Baekhyun that was _really_ close. _Too_ close. 

Two men shouldn’t lay so close to each other. 

He could feel his heart beat senseless in his chest. 

This was way too intimate to his liking. _We shouldn’t be so intimate._

He got out of the room and went to the bathroom. 

 

 

 

 

When he came back, Jung Ho was sleeping. _It’s better this way._

He hesitated between sleeping on the floor as he was initially supposed to do and sleeping with Jung Ho on his bed. He decided the second. _He’ll probably think I’m mad at him if I sleep on the floor._

So they slept together on the bed, back to back. 

Then, in the middle of the night, Baekhyun turned around, awake. He could see Jung Ho’s face and decided he wouldn’t turn his eyes away from it. 

The younger man bet he was at least half asleep. There was something in the way he refused so confidently to feel ashamed of his mid-night admirations that forced him to believe he probably wasn’t awake. His usual self would never let him feel at peace when it came to loving a man. It was only smart. It was only survival logic to not let one relax when the world wanted to burn them at the stake. 

And here he was, letting himself watch carelessly the figure of another careless man. _I’m stupid._ The end was bound to be bloody but Baekhyun didn’t mind bleeding. Not for Jung Ho. 

He kissed him. 

He laughed for himself, putting his head back on the pillow. _I kissed him._ He couldn’t believe he could be this stupid. 

He saw a tear fall from Jung Ho’s eye and he instantly worried. The smile that appeared afterward on his face reassured him but not entirely. 

“I thought I was dreaming…” He opened his eyes to look straight into Baekhyun’s eyes. “Do you know how happy I am that I wasn’t?” 

Jung Ho’s laugh, although somewhat sad, was enough to put the younger man at ease once again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: I really have no updating consistency, do I? Yeah sorry about that but hey, you have this chapter of pain and fluff so hope it hurt good :) 


	5. Free Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for dubious consent

“Eomma! I’m not moving out of the country, I’m only gonna be a few kilometers away from you! You’ll be able to come often!” Baekhyun laughed, hugging his sobbing mom. He made eye contact with his dad and the latter rolled his eyes affectionally.

“You’re always welcome here,” Jung Ho added wisely.

“You!” The woman scolded. There was no hostility in her tone. “You better be a good hyung to my son.”

“I will. Worry not.”

 “Alright.” His mother wiped her tears, looked at her husband when she heard his belly grumble. She laughed. “We should go,” she spoke once again, “Your dad is getting hungry.”

“Ah, hyung, are you gonna be fine by yourself?”

The other man raised an eyebrow teasingly: “I’ve been doing so for the past four weeks, Baekhyun. I’ll be just fine.”

“Oki,” the younger man grinned, “then, see you later!”

“See you!”

“Oh but, Jung Ho, honey, do you want anything? We can totally bring you something back.”

“Oh, no, no, it’s fine; I’ll make myself something,“ Jung Ho opposed to the offer with a smile on his face.

“Hey, hey, hey! It’s my treat. A thank you if you want.” The mother replied, still wiping up tears.

And his boyfriend – who no one knew as his boyfriend - sighed and chuckled.

“Alright. I’ll repay you by treating Baekhyun to something next time.”

“Of course,” his mom smiled.

After noting what Jung Ho wanted to eat, they left for a family supper his mother had requested, just the three of them – his brother couldn’t be there – to celebrate the youngest son leaving the nest.  

 

 

 

 

“How was it?”

Baekhyun let himself fall on the couch, sighing but still in a happy mood. “Exhausting.” The other man laughed. “The food was good though. You’ll like this.”

He watched as his boyfriend opened the food boxes.

“What happened?”

“I’m their youngest so they were just being really overprotective and reminding me to call them and to study well and to clean up well so that I didn’t get breathing problems and I think I know by heart where all the cleaning products are and where to put them.”

Jung Ho laughed again and the younger man imitated him.

“We already have more than enough cleaning products though,” the older man affirmed.

“I know but they wouldn’t listen. Also, look,” he took a small paper out of his pocket, “I have the schedules for when I should be waiting for a phone call from my mom.”

“Wow,” his hyung gave him a look of “she’s crazy” and he laughed even more.

“But Appa came to the rescue and told her she was exaggerating so she reduced the times where it was certain she would call to only Saturday afternoons.”

“Oh, nice.”

“Yeah.”

Jung Ho took a bite, licked his lips as some of the sauce had dripped on them.

Unknowingly, Baekhyun licked his.

He stood up and went to sit in front of him at their dining table.

He rested his chin on his hand, watched every bite the other took.

“I wish I had arrived earlier...I wish we had our first meal here together,” he said absentmindedly.

“We’ll have other firsts.”

His mind drifted somewhere he was sure Jung Ho hadn’t thought of. _I_ _’_ _m a pervert._ He laughed it off and looked at a random box that had been left in the corner of the room, next to the couch, as if nothing.

“I should have been here to help you undo the boxes.”

“It’s alright,” his voice was joyful, “my parents were there to help and we put music on so it was fun.” 

Baekhyun grinned, his eyes landing on the others’ once again.

“I bet. Your parents are always pretty fun to be with,” Baekhyun laughed.

“Thanks. Oh my god, you should have seen my dad.”

“Oh, did he cry?”

“No but it was close. Last time I saw him like that was when we went to watch A Moment to Remember.” He chuckled at the memory. “Knowing him, he probably waited to be in the car and sobbed all the way home.”

It was always funny to hear about Jung Ho’s emotional father. His would often, yes, talk about his worries with him, but never had Baekhyun seen him cry. He was more like him, always preferring to crack a joke than to feed into the dark emotions around him. It always seemed like his mother did the crying for the rest of the family, his brother also being closed to showing deeper emotions, and _boy_ did she cry a lot. She was an emotive one, his mother.

And now there were no parents around, no family, no friends. It was just the two of them. It felt awkward.

“It feels calm, doesn’t it?” Jung Ho spoke, surprising him.

He was looking around the apartment, still eating. The younger man imitated him. It felt kind of empty _but yeah calm, I guess._

“Mmh.”

“Not gonna last for long though, the walls are thin as hell and the people above us sound like they have a trampoline in their living room.”

Baekhyun laughed. He would probably like that best.

“I missed seeing you,” Jung Ho spoke boldly.

The other man smiled and looked away: “Nado.”

 

 

 

 

He hadn’t moved, he was still sitting on their kitchen’s chair, but Jung Ho had. He was standing in front of him, an arm holding the chair and a hand caressing his cheek.

It was nice to know they could kiss freely, that they didn’t have to worry about someone coming in and seeing them. They had kissed before but very rarely. And even then, it had never been as long and as passionate, Baekhyun usually pulling away quickly, too scared of someone walking in on them.

However, at that moment, it was impossible that someone caught them. The door was locked, no one would enter suddenly and if someone knocked they could always fake not hearing them or not being there until they had gained their composure back; there were practically no windows in the apartment and definitely none from which someone could actually see them; and they could spend as much time not talking without sounding suspicious.

Jung Ho let out an audible sigh and Baekhyun wanted to open his eyes to see his face, to see if he was as happy as he was, but he didn’t. He knew he was blushing, embarrassed, and knew if he were to open his eyes he would probably have to push the other away to take a moment to cool down and catch his breath.

So he kept them tightly shut.

His hands twitched, his fingers attracted by Jung Ho’s body.

He contained his impulses, preventing his hands from leaving his thighs. He gripped his pants instead.

Jung Ho’s hands were on his shoulders sometimes going behind his neck, his fingers slipping between locks and then they would come back to graze the hem of his shirt at the front.

 A hand landed on his crotch and he let out a startled yip.

_Wait._

“Wait,” he spoke.

Jung Ho rubbed the fabric of his pants strongly and his back curved to lean on the other. Baekhyun’s lungs had been quickly emptied and his fingers had let go of his pants, now holding on to his boyfriend’s shoulders, digging into the muscles.

It felt really good. It felt too good. His face was burning.

However, he was able to find the strength in him to push Jung Ho’s hand away.

When the man stopped he was able to breathe again.

“Wait,” he trumped.

His hyung was confused.

Baekhyun looked away. _I must look so stupid right now._

“What...are you doing?” _Yeah, like that makes me look any better. Fuck, I_ _’_ _m so dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, Baekhyun._   

“It doesn’t feel good?”

“Ani...I’m just not sure I...”

“Hey, it’s okay.” He pecked his lips, his hands pushing forward to reach Baekhyun’s loins once again. “There’s only us.”

But still, there was something that bothered him and he couldn’t quite figure it out. There was no one around, he liked Jung Ho and what he was doing wasn’t exactly unpleasant so what was wrong? Why did he not want it?

It felt somewhat felt like guilt.

“Shh...” Jung Ho’s hand reached inside his pants, under his boxers, and to his penis.

Baekhyun broke the kiss, resting his head on the other man’s shoulder. He was looking for his breath. He stared down at his boyfriend jerking him off.

He wished he could put ice on his face.

He felt the pressure of his teeth on his lips as he kept himself from moaning aloud but even the small sounds that uncontrollably escaped his throat embarrassed him.

He gasped, pulling onto the other’s shirt.

He felt dizzy, his eyes fluttering.

Jung Ho kept his head on his shoulder, hand gently combing his hair.

Baekhyun heard a giggle close to his ear and then felt lips on his neck’s skin.

“There...”   

The younger man breathed in calmly hearing the soft voice.

“It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

With a whim of confidence, Baekhyun bent down, going straight to blow the other off. It was sloppy, as the man had no idea of what he was doing but it still reached its goals.

When he was done, Baekhyun ran to the sink, Jung Ho having let go of his hair after hearing him struggle. He spat the liquid, complaining about the taste. The other laughed.

“Sorry but...That _really_ tastes horrible.”

“What did you think it would taste like?” Jung Ho walked up to him.

“I didn’t think it would taste like anything...Never really thought about it before today in fact.”

The taller man embraced him, still chuckling. Baekhyun had been so nervous moments ago but with that, he felt better. He relaxed in the hug.

“I made cupcakes the other day, there are still some if you want to change the taste in your mouth.”

“Mmmmh, yeees.”

“I put too much water so they’re a bit too soft but they’re still eatable.”

“Let me guess. You forgot you were counting the cups?”

“Exactly.”

The younger man giggled; leaned in for a kiss he was denied.

“Sorry, that’s kinda...”

 _Ah._ “Hum, yeah, you’re right. I’ll...Go wash my mouth.” He felt ashamed of himself. _Of course, it_ _’_ _s disgusting._

“I’ll get the cupcakes.”

“Okay,” he smiled nonetheless, “thanks.”

 

 

 

 

Waking up the next day, it took him a moment to understand where he was. At first, he thought he was home and panicked when he felt Jung Ho’s body around his, then thought he was at his place and calmed down. It was only when the man whispered a “jal jasseo?” in his ear that he remembered. He beamed instantly.

“Mmh,” he answered without hesitation.

“Mmh...Me too. Probably thanks to your blow job, they say those help to sleep. It’s kinda like sports you know.”

Baekhyun blushed intensely at the memory.

“You’re so easy to tease.”

The older man kissed his neck.

“I’m going to take a shower.”

He got out the bed quickly, leaving his giggling lover.

 

 

 

 

It was bizarre to take a shower somewhere else than at his house. It was as if he was in a motel. It was hard to believe that this was _his_ shower, _his_ bathroom _,_ _his_ home.

Jung Ho knocked, he yelped.

“Can I come in?”

“Hum...Okay.” _He_ _’_ _s my boyfriend after all. It_ _’_ _s fine._

Baekhyun stopped washing for a second, tensed. He didn’t know what to do although the answer was pretty clear. _Just continue washing, you dumbass._ Jung Ho went to brush his teeth. He continued moving his washcloth on his body.

 _What if he opened the curtain and saw me naked?_ They had never seen each other completely naked. _That would be weird._

He yelped when he heard Jung Ho put something down on the sink. The man laughed. `

“Are you okay there?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Do you need help with anything?”

“No! No. I’m good. I’m...Washing.” _Wow._

“Hope for you you can wash away these dirty thoughts.”

“Wh-what are you talking about? I’m not- You’re the pervert here!”

“Yeah, yeah. You can’t hide anything from me, remember?”

He saw the shadow of Jung Ho grow closer to the curtain. His heart was beating super fast. _Don_ _’_ _t open the curtain. Open the curtain. Don_ _’_ _t open the curtain._

“Do you want me to join you?”

 _No._ “Y-yeah.” _UGH, I HATE MYSELF._

He saw Jung Ho’s shadow move first, the sound of clothes rustling as he was taking them off and then the man opened the curtain that had been separating their eyes from their naked bodies.

The younger man felt his whole core heat up at the sight of his boyfriend’s toned chest.

He straightened up. He must have looked like an idiot just standing there with his washcloth pressed against his torso basically drooling over the other man.

“You’re cute.”

_Or not._

Jung Ho stepped in, cutting Baekhyun’s breath short and without a second thought for the planet they just started making out as the shower kept running. The feeling of their wet lips against each other was special, even more enticing. It was just so pleasant, the smaller man thought, to run his fingers across his partner’s slippery body.

His hyung was the first to reach for their members, Baekhyun leaning against the ceramic wall. He grinned. _Being an adult is great._

“Turn around,” the taller man spoke, continuing to jerk them off.

“Mmh? Why? I feel good like this...” He really was enjoying himself.

“I wanna fuck you.”

_What?_

He pushed Jung Ho slightly, stopping him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why should I be the one to be...Receiving.”

His hyung raised an eyebrow. He laughed. “You’re kidding, right? You’re so cute and all. Don’t you think it’d be kind of funny if _you_ topped _me_.”

Baekhyun looked away, embarrassed. “Yeah...Fair enough.” Yeah, it felt more normal for him to be the “woman” of the relationship.

Jung Ho kissed him, the sweetest kind like he always did and Baekhyun’s spirits were instantly up again. He melted into it.

“Turn around,” the man whispered once again. This time, his boyfriend complied.

He rested his face on the cool and humid wall, nervous but doing his best to enjoy Jung Ho’s touch. He heard him spit and then the touch of his wet fingers between his bums startled him.

“Shh, relax, I know what I’m doing,” he breathed in his neck.

He nodded, felt the mix of water and spit be smeared around his rim, the tip of his fingers sometimes chancing in. Baekhyun reached for his arousal.

 _We_ _’_ _re doing it in the shower..._ The sudden thought made him forget his uneasiness.

As a finger slowly pushed on his walls, entering him, it came back. He breathed. It wasn’t so bad. The finger was slippery and, yes, he could feel his walls resisting the digit but it was still coming in not too uncomfortably. _It_ _’_ _s still...An awkward feeling._

Especially standing up. He felt as if he was about to shit in the shower. He had a mental image. _Ew._  

“I heard there could be some pain the first times,” Jung Ho spoke calmly, “so don’t worry, it’s normal.”

“Mmh. I’m good.” No pain so far.

_But what if I feel like shitting? I didn_ _’_ _t shit this morning. What if...Some shit gets on his dick? Oh, ew. Ew, ew, ew._

His eyes were closed, embarrassed. The thoughts only made him close them tighter.

“Does it hurt?”

“No. No, I’m fine.”

“Okay...Then, is a second finger fine?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

He tried inserting it but it was too dry. He took the other one and spit on them. He tried again. Baekhyun had never been conscious of how big two fingers were until then. He hissed feeling the side of his nails.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, that hurt a little but it’s fine.”

“Yeah, it’ll feel better soon.”

Jung Ho pecked his cheek and the younger man giggled.

He felt him play around inside him, focused on the feeling. It was kind of uncomfortable but at the same time, he felt like it could become more comfortable? Kind of like when he tried to masturbate but wasn’t really into it.

He pulled them out to put them in again, more humid. He started moving them back and forth and Baekhyun took a moment to consider if he liked the feeling or not. When his boyfriend kissed him on the neck, the smaller man relaxed. He decided that he appreciated the motion. He jerked himself off.

“You like that?”

“Yeah.” He spoke simply, calm.

“You had never tried that before, right?”

“Ani...”

Jung Ho giggled. “Yeah, it shows. You’re really tight.”

Baekhyun blushed. He was unsure if it was a compliment or criticism.

He took his fingers out to press the tip of his manhood on his rim.

Baekhyun tensed up. _Wait, I_ _’_ _m not ready._

“Shouldn’t- Shouldn’t we need a condom?”

His boyfriend raised an eyebrow: “You’re not a woman why would we need a condom?”

“Can’t we like...Catch a disease or something?”

“Oh. Oh, no. Don’t worry. I’m good.”

“No, but what if I’m-“

“Don’t worry, there’s no chance you’ll give me a disease while I fuck you.”

Baekhyun nodded. He seemed certain of what he advanced. _I should trust him_. “Oh. Okay.”

The other man smiled, went to kiss him. The younger man closed his eyes and felt the older push in. He took a deep breath, that seemed to help. It felt like his boyfriend was so much longer, so much wider than what he had taken in his mouth the night before. _Okay, that stings a little._

“Put more spit?”

“Okay.”

He tried again, it slid in more easily. When the younger man tensed up, his hyung shushed him, massaging his shoulder with the hand that wasn’t around his dick.

When he felt his boyfriend’s hips on his rear, as he heard the man groan for the first time, Baekhyun let out a tiny yelp. He was shaking. The feeling was so weird. Not unpleasant but still weird. It felt as if Jung Ho had taken possession of his body like it was also his to carry. The smaller man rose on his tiptoes feeling as if the other was trying to lift him.

He pulled back slightly, bringing Baekhyun’s body down with him.

Jung Ho held his hips in place when he thrusted back in and the other man felt warm shivers roam through his body.

“Ha...”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Baekhyun giggled. _Yeah. It feels nice._

And Jung Ho repeated the motion and his boyfriend could hear how he liked the feeling of being inside him and he liked hearing him, his deep voice, the throaty sound of his moans. He found them hot, arousing.

His own sounds kept coming out, sounds he had never heard himself make before, sounds he didn’t like to hear from himself. They were more high pitched than the day before, more whiny, less masculine, less _him._ It felt like he was hearing another person. But it somehow helped for _the...penetration_ so he continued unwillingly. He was sure he was all red in the face. He kept his eyes closed not to see Jung Ho’s face. He bit his lips to try and keep the sounds from coming out. _Dude, this is so embarrassing._

“You’re cute,” Jung Ho laughed. Baekhyun was jealous of how manly he sounded, his voice all husky. _I don_ _’_ _t want to be_ _“_ _cute_ _”_ _: , don_ _’_ _t call me_ _“_ _cute_ _”_ _._

A hand to his dick brought a hand to his mouth. He kept himself from whining aloud while his other arm rested on the ceramic wall as Jung Ho picked up his pace. The latter swore under his breath, took his member out of him. Baekhyun was thankful, he could breathe a bit plus it was starting to sting a little.

 Soon, Jung Ho was back into him, careful with his pace and the strength he gave to his thrusts and eventually they both came to a termination, the older man helping the younger one finish when he was done.

Baekhyun let the wall support his body, completely out of energy. His mind was floating in its own little bubble. He had actually enjoyed himself. _Yeah, that felt great,_ when he put the few moments of pain aside.

“Oh.” He heard Jung Ho giggle behind him.

“What?”

“There’s a bit of...”

 _Blood? Fuck. Am I bleeding?_  “What?”

“No, it’s fine. There’s just a bit of...poop liquid on your thigh?”

He blushed. Looking at his embarrassment, Jung Ho giggled. It wasn’t mean or anything and Baekhyun knew that but he couldn’t hide that his discovery made him somewhat mortified.

“I’ll...let you clean up?”

“S-sure.”

“Oki.”

He left a peck on his forehead.

The younger man took a quick and freezing shower and joined his boyfriend for their first breakfast together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: *sigh* use condom and barriers when having sex guys also: get tested. Also, also: (again) don't let people pressure you into sex (Dr.Lindsey Doe did a video on her youtube channel Sexplanation called "Do You Ever Owe Someone Sex? and tbh it's great go watch it) . Also, also, also: shit happens. 
> 
> ...There's so much wrong stuff in this tbh. Writing Of Bygone Days is hard. 
> 
> ON ANOTHER NOTE: END GAME WAS GREAT  


	6. Experimenting

Living in a new city and in a new home by himself was weird. He didn’t know the restaurants, where the pc bangs were, which bus led to where. His first thought was that Seoul was a cold city. It was probably because his first day out it was raining. The people around him were rushing inside buildings, dull umbrellas in hand, no one looking him in the eye. That might have been because he didn’t know anyone. He didn’t have any ally in Seoul apart from Jung Ho. It felt scary. It felt cold.

Then it felt...lukewarm. The sky cleared up and he met some people at school. No one he could call friends yet, but colleagues, people he could maybe team up with for future projects. He brightened faces when he told them he wasn’t from the city and they suggested showing him around one day, to get him familiar to the hot spots. They wanted to get him in clubs even though he wasn’t legally allowed to do so yet and he liked the idea. What harm could it do?

So he went to discover those, without Jung Ho who was working. He got drunk for the first time, got sick from alcohol for the first time and got hung-over for the first time.  Jung Ho took care of him in the morning, mocked him and wished him well on another day of discovery of the city.

Slowly, it became a place he was comfortable in. When he called his mother, “home” became the apartment he had with Jung Ho, it became Seoul and not his parent’s house.

“Yeah, I’m happy. It feels good here.”

For a few days, Jung Ho and him didn’t see each other much. They were both exploring and they were fine with that. Plus, Baekhyun knew Jung Ho was the type that needed his space. There were things he didn’t want to discuss and that was fine. The younger man understood although it was kind of weird for him that was a completely open book.

The first few days they had spent a lot of time together but there was so much they could explore of each other before getting bored. They both needed new anecdotes to tell the other and the city offered them plenty as it made them stumble on uncovered territories.

 _I can_ _’_ _t believe I got in._

He was alone. He had been impulsive.

He walked around awkwardly. The cashier looked amused.

_I look like a child. Probably, because I am one._

“Can I help you?” The girl asked.

It was awkward. He didn’t want to talk about sex with a female. _What the fuck, no._

“Hum...Maybe?”

She laughed. “Sure. What are you looking for?”

“I don’t really know?”

“You ‘don’t really know’..? Do you want tools to help you masturbate, to help your intercourse or do you want to spice things up with a partner..?”

He was probably blushing.

“Eh...To be honest, I mostly wanted to look around.”

Yeah. That was right. He came in because he was curious. He didn’t plan on buying anything.

“Sure. If there’s anything, there’s no need to be shy, kay?”

She spoke informally. It actually put him at ease. For some reason, he thought she was right. _Yeah. There_ _’_ _s no need to be ashamed. It_ _’_ _s her job to talk about sex, right?_

“Hum...Actually...Hum.”

_Okay. Easier said than done._

_Words, Baekhyun. Words._

“Do you...I’d like something to...Help intercourse?”

“Yeah? Like a toy or..? Do you have troubles reaching climax?”

 _He blushed. No, that_ _’_ _s not it but what the hell how can you be so direct._

“No, no, I don’t...have troubles with that...Hum. I...It’s difficult when...” _Last time we did it, I bled a bit and I would like that not to happen again._ “When hum...”

He gestured penetration and it was honestly way more awkward than saying it. But at least he didn’t have to pretend he was straight.

“There are difficulties when sliding in?”

“Yeah.” _Oh. I actually sounded confident just now._

“Have you tried lubricant?”

“What is that?”

She smiled. He probably looked really stupid in her eyes. “It’s an aid to...lubricate the area being penetrated and can enhance sexual pleasure.”

“I’ll- I’ll take that.”

“Which kind?”

“O-original?”

She giggled. “Do you want me to tell you which types we have in store and what they do?”

“Hum, no. It’s fine. Just a plain one.”

“Sure. Is water-based fine with you? That’s usually what people start with.”

“Yeah...Eh...Sure.”

She went to her counter, put a small box she had grabbed not far from it on its top and scanned it, telling him the price.

“Try this and don’t hesitate to come back if you liked it or didn’t – that’s alright as well -and would be curious about other types.”

“Sure.” He didn’t feel so red in the face and was proud of himself.

“Need a bag? It’s opaque.”

“Please.”

“Oki! There you go.”

“Thanks.”

“Enjoy yourself!”

He swore under his breath as he came out. He made eye contact with an older woman and blushed hard as fuck as she visibly judged him. Surprisingly, he wasn’t ashamed but amused.

_I went to a sex shop for the first time in my life and bought something. I feel like an adult._

 

 

 

 

As he unlocked the door to his apartment, he questioned the fact that she hadn’t asked him for his cards. Did he look legal? Most likely not. He always had a baby face. She probably forgot. _Not like it would have been a problem, I still have that dude_ _’_ _s cards...Right, I_ _’_ _ll have to give them back to him one day. Which class do we have in common again..?_

“Hey, welcome back!” Jung Ho was doing the dishes, lowering the music he had on to greet him.

“Hey!” He wasn’t really paying attention to his boyfriend as he took off his raincoat.

“What’s the bag?”

 _Oh! Right!_ “Oh! I gotta tell you!”

He hurried beside Jung Ho but then stopped in his pace, suddenly getting timid again. _Wait, this...It kind of involves him? It kinda means that I...Want to have sex with him?_ He looked away. _Ugh. This is stupid. We_ _’_ _ve had sex before._

He was too caught up in his thoughts to hear Jung Ho calling his name.

 _Yeah but usually he_ _’_ _s the one with the initiative...Well, I pretty much always want to and somehow he reads my signs but...The more initiative I_ _’_ _ve taken so far was blow him and it_ _’_ _s already been like two weeks so-_

Jung Ho grabbed his face playfully. “You gonna tell me what’s in that bag or not?” He was laughing. He knew he had been thinking. He was conscious he was nervous.

Baekhyun calmed down to tense up again immediately, thinking of what was in the bag and how he got it.

 _How is it even called again?_  “Lubricant.”

_Oh. I said it._

“What?”

“It’s an-“

“I know what lubricant is, jagi.”

  _Oh. That_ _’_ _s new._ “Okay.”

“So you went to a sex shop?”

He went back to the dishes and Baekhyun’s breathing resumed. They were back to being just casual. 

“Yeah. I originally didn’t want to buy anything, I was just curious but the girl was chill so I ended up letting her help me.”

“Did you consider we had problems?”

“Oh, no, no. That’s not what I meant. I just thought it could make things better...I mean last time I bled a bit so...”

“Yeah, sure, I understand.”

“Yeah.”

_Is it tense? Is there...Did I upset him?_

“Would you be...Down to try it?”

“Maybe not tonight? I have homework. I’ll see how that goes.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure. I get it.”

“Supper’s in the fridge by the way.”

“Okay! Thanks!”

 

 

 

 

Later that night, Baekhyun grew thoughtful. He was on the couch, watching from above his textbooks Jung Ho do his homework on their kitchen table, glasses on. He wasn’t sure if he had indeed touched a nerve earlier or if things were fine between them. But then again, he had called him “jagi” and that was new.

He licked his lip. Yeah...That wasn’t the only thing on his mind. _If I did vex him, I can always make up to him._

“I’m going to take a shower, need to pee?”

He waved him off.

 _At least look at me._ He thought it was funny how focused on his homework he was.

He washed up. Very well.

Drying up with the towel around his hips, he took a bottle out of the little box he had bought, inspected it, put it aside to then read the instructions on the back of the box.

 _Goodness, it_ _’_ _s so explicit._ That was if we put aside the ingredient list and health warnings. _O-okay. That seems fairly simple._

He looked at the bottle, at the door.

He thought for a moment, gathering the courage.

_Yeah, nop. Not ready._

He looked at the bath, at the towel hiding his thighs. He gulped, licked his lips.

He took the towel off and went to kneel in the bath. He took the little bottle in his hands and opened it. He let a few drops drip on his fingers and smeared it with his thumb. It was thicker than water but not as greasy as cream. It didn’t feel sticky either.

Yeah, it wasn’t too weird.

He spread it on the back of his hand, wanting to know how it felt on his skin. It wasn’t unpleasant. It just made his hand feel softer under his touch.

He observed his fingers a moment. Long, slender...So many compliments they had received. He took deep breaths. Glanced back at the lube. He spilled more on his fingers, put the bottle back on the edge on the bath before looking at his back while his digits went to gently press themselves on his asshole. He could already feel it would help. He could feel it was better than and water. It was thicker, richer. He let a digit slip in and was delighted by how swiftly it entered.

He breathed in the sultry air thinking about Jung Ho in the kitchen.

 _He must be wondering what I_ _’_ _m doing._

He thought about his reaction if he were to discover him, thought maybe it would arouse him, maybe he would abandon his homework momentarily to join him in the bath. He lay down like he thought Jung Ho would make him lay but then changed positions, not being able to reach inside him the way he wanted to. He went back on his knees, putting an arm on the wet floor of the bath, the other one in the air. That was more like it.

He pushed in and out, enjoying how easily the skin slid on his inner walls. He wanted to go deeper, thought about how deep Jung Ho would be able to reach. He wanted to jerk himself up but every time he tried to get himself up, to not rest on his other arm, he couldn’t touch his rear as he wanted to and when he was lying on his arm he couldn`t touch his front.

Upset, he put his forehead down, the water getting on the bangs that had dried wet once again. He tried to arch his back the way he would when Jung Ho was inside him. He tried to caress his walls the way Jung Ho did.

He moaned lowly. It reverberated on the walls of the bath. He hoped his boyfriend would hear him but at the same time, he didn’t. He liked this moment passed with on his own. He had never touched himself like this. In the past, when he masturbated it was only by jerking off but he liked this better.

He tried adding girth only to want more lubricant on it. He didn’t stop himself.

He didn’t even feel like touching his penis. His concentration was fully on his hole. His body was screaming to go deeper, to hit his walls in a particular way he couldn’t hit alone. He tried to change positions again, to no avail. Even with the pianist fingers he had, he couldn’t satisfy himself alone.

Determined, he stood up, went to wash his hands and put the towel around his hips once again. He put his timidity aside and reminded himself of the girl’s words to give himself courage. Jung Ho’s my boyfriend, we’ve had sex before, it’s fine to get aroused by him and to tell him about it.

He stepped out of the bathroom and arriving in their living room, he threw the lube bottle on their bed and walked behind Jung Ho to throw his hands around his neck and kiss his temple. He was satisfied when he felt the older man tense up and breathe in deeply. The latter moved to take his glasses off.

“Could you take a pause from your homework, please?”

“The steam made you flirty?”

“Maybe.”

The man turned around to get a proper look at him.

“Do you want me to tuck you into bed, jagiya?”

Baekhyun couldn’t help but grin at that. “That’s new.”

“What is?” He took a hold of his hips, made him sit on his lap.

“Calling me ‘jagiya’.” He tried to act as if he wasn’t embarrassed by the way Jung Ho was treating him.

“Do you not like it?”

“No, I like it.”

“Yeah. I thought so.”

He put a hand on his bulge, stroked it. Baekhyun hid his face in the other’s neck.

“What would you have done if I hadn’t accepted to put my homework aside for you?”

The younger man sighed. “I don’t know.” He giggled. “Don’t make me come yet.”

“Why not?”

“I...I fingered myself in the bathroom and I really want you inside me.”

Jung Ho laughed and it made Baekhyun smile.

“Alright.”

The older man lifted him up, surprising the other and threw him on the bed where he bounced a few times before Jung Ho arrived to hold him in place.

He kissed him a bit before going to take his towel off, keeping it under his butt but uncovering his erection.

Baekhyun looked impatiently at what the other was doing and gleamed when he felt his fingers touch his rim. He got his knees up.

“You’re...So wet...” He chanced a finger in and Baekhyun relaxed. “You used the lube you bought?”

“Mmh.”

“You like it?”

“Mmh.”

Jung Ho giggled. He felt him lean on the side to get the bottle.

His boyfriend's fingers slid in and reached the places he had meant to hit earlier. Baekhyun’s hands just rested into fists onto his chest as if holding onto the only air he could get, desperately trying to get it into his lungs between two whines.

“You’re so adorable, jagiya.”

He nodded, pressing his lips tight.

“You agree?”

Baekhyun didn’t even look at him, didn’t even listen to him. He would agree to anything he was saying at that moment. _Continue. Please._

“You like it when I call you ‘jagiya`?”

Baekhyun practically wailed his answer, his mouth still shut. _I just...Want to come. Make me come._

“Is it possible that it...Turns you on?”

The younger man opened his mouth. _I need air._ But his breathing was constantly cut short by whines, noises he still found foreign to him.

 _I_ _’_ _m gonna come. Oh my god, I_ _’_ _m gonna come from only being stimulated there. What is up with me._

He felt Jung Ho slow down to eventually slip his fingers out, shushing him.

“You were getting so tight around my fingers I could barely move,” he chuckled.

Baekhyun gained his senses back. _What just happened?_ He took the moment to breathe.

They simply stared at each other, grinning.

He leaned in to push a sweaty bang out of his face. “Yeah, breathe.”

“Don’t go back, please.”

“Not yet, don’t worry. I’m too distracted for that.”

Baekhyun was satisfied with that answer.

He pointed to his belt.

“Get that off,” he mumbled.

And Jung Ho tossed his pants and boxers away, letting Baekhyun watch his toned thighs as he pleased. They were what he noticed first, surprisingly, although the older man’s arousal was just as impressive.

“Want me to put more lube?”

Baekhyun nodded tiredly.

He entered him gently. The younger man lifted his legs and the other held onto them. He pushed inside and the petite man sighed. Slowly, as his boyfriend repeated the motion, his walls remembered the feelings, remembered the pleasure, and remembered where they had left them.

He threw his head back, pressing his lips into a thin line once again, whining and questioning his body. Why did it answer this way? How come it felt this good? Wasn’t his penis his only sexual organ? Why was it that he felt on the edge from caresses on another part of his body?

“Baek- Jagi, relax.”

He tried to do so. Really, really hard. But he just couldn’t help it.

He felt his boyfriend grow more passionate in his thrust and it made him want to look at him. He wanted to have a reminder that he could turn him on, that he could make him want to have sex with him and not only the other way around. He wanted proof that he somewhat had power over him.

His back and forth movement became quicker and once again Baekhyun broke the eye contact. He could feel him trying to reach deeper with every thrust. He felt Jung Ho wanted to grip his tights but prevented himself from doing so, scared to hurt him. It made him relax and for a few thrusts, Jung Ho was able to hit where it felt best.

Then he had to adapt to Baekhyun tensing up again. It didn’t seem to bother him much. In fact, it seemed to turn him on, even more, bring him closer to the edge.

His movements became more sensual but at the same time more desperate.

 _I_ _’_ _m so close._

He gave a last strong thrust, pushing onto his body to get himself as deep as possible inside the warm walls.

Baekhyun spasmed although not having come yet. It upset him.

However, Jung Ho had noticed he hadn’t come to his own climax so, after coming down from his own, he took his manhood out to replace it with the precise fingers.

He went to press knowingly on the walls. He started slow, added lube cheekily on his fingers, making eye-contact with his partner, knowing very well what he was doing, re-entered him to massage him languidly, knowing too well how the walls were already so sensible.

He started speeding up and Baekhyun wondered how his heart could keep up.

“I’m so lucky I met you.”

The petite man watched as his boyfriend admired him.

Wanting to reply, the younger man opened his mouth, not noticing how the other one was slowly picking up his pace, caressing in detail every sensitive bit of his insides. His mouth open, the quick audible sighs were already coming out in dozens.

“Jung Ho, I-“

He tried to explain himself, tried to make his boyfriend aware of how close he was. It was as if he was constantly sliding on his orgasm, never diving into it. It was annoying but at the same time so gratifying.

_Make me come. Please. Pick up your pace. Press right there. Please. I just wanna come._

Jung Ho reached for his dick and Baekhyun noticed how soft it was. _It_ _’_ _s weird, shouldn_ _’_ _t it be hard by now?_

“Don’t touch it.”

“Don’t you wanna come?”

“Just-Faster.”

“Alright.”

Jung Ho seemed confused but he did as suggested nonetheless.

Baekhyun closed his eyes, arching his back. He whined, desperately looking to reach his climax. He pressed his feat unto the bed, lifting his butt up. Jung Ho reached in deeper.

He could feel it.

“Right there! Just continue hitting that spot!”

He was determined to come.

He could feel it. He was diving.

He shook. The walls around Jung Ho’s fingers tightened but he continued nonetheless. Baekhyun noises were loud and he was ashamed of them but had no control over them.

He just kept diving and being shaken by violent spasms. He closed his mouth, whining.

 _Stop. It won_ _’_ _t stop. I just keep-_

“Don’t-“

And Jung Ho continued although he felt his fingers were tiring and he continued until the last ones, soft, delicate, his walls so sensitive that the smallest movement made him come again. When he felt his boyfriend was done, he took his fingers out to wipe them on the towel, Baekhyun still shaking.

“That was impressive.” The older man commented.

The younger one didn’t care. He wanted to be held, to be cuddled. He was tired and feeling extremely vulnerable. It felt like the more insignificant misplaced word could make him bawl.

“You’re impressive, jagiya.”

Baekhyun glued his knees together, wanting to hide.

“You must be tired with all those orgasms you had.”

_Shut up._

“Come on, I’ll tuck you in for real this time. Did you brush your teeth?”

“Ne.”

“You really had everything planned, right, jagiya?”

Slowly, Baekhyun was regaining his senses.

“It was a good plan, wasn’t it?” He grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Because everyone should be able to experiment.


	7. Drunk in You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING for homophobia, disowning, verbal abuse, physical abuse, domestic abuse and rape. (THEY WILL BE DESCRIBED so do take the necessary precautions to keep you in a safe mental state)

“Why would I be visiting bars? I’m not even of age yet, they wouldn’t let me enter,”

“I don’t know I just thought...Sometimes teens-“

“I’m a young adult.”

His mother sighed on the phone. “Yeah, yeah, ‘young adult’. I was saying that sometimes young adults want to do things that are bad for the thrill of it.”

“Talking from experience?” He teased her.

“Of course not, your dad and I were really responsible- SHH don’t tell him that he’ll go and do the same.”

“What did Appa say?”

“Nothing. Appa didn’t say anything. He was just rambling like the old man he is. Trying to make up stories to look ‘cool’.”

“Alright,” he laughed. “But, hey, no need to worry about me okay. I’m also being a responsible adult.”

“Mmh, I’ll believe that when you stop calling me to know my recipes.”

“Then maybe you like me not being a responsible adult.”

“What are you implying?”

“I’m just saying that I asked for you to note them down and give them to me and you refused.”

“Because they are family recipes, I don’t want you to give them to Jung Ho for him to give it to his family, I can’t risk that. They must stay in the family.”

“Yeah, right.”

“...The city made you too witty, I don’t like it,” she pouted and he laughed. “Oh, hey, your friends keep asking how you’re doing, you should call them.”

“My friends talk to you?”

“Of course, they talk to me. Your friends like me.”

“Ah. Yeah, sure, I’ll...call them?” _Could just text them though._

“Okay, do that, I’ll let you off now, thanks for calling me. I’m happy to hear my baby is doing well.”

“Sure! Bye!”

She hung up.

He called Man Soo first, knowing Byung Hun usually never answered his phone. He didn’t answer. _Welp. Guess we_ _’_ _ll end up texting them._

When he called Byung Hun, his friend answered, to his greatest surprise.

“Yeah?”

“That’s a really impolite way of answering the phone. What if I was your boss?”

“...Man Soo?”

He laughed, understanding the resemblance he saw between him and their other friend. “Nah, man, it’s Baek. Been a while.”

“Yoooo! Hey! Yeah! Why d’you call, something’s up?”

“Nah, just talked to my mom, she told me to call you.”

“Why?”

“Says you’re missing me.”

“Pff. Like hell. Things are just getting calm enough around here.”

Baekhyun sighed, amused. “Do girls look at you more now that they have less competition?”

“They always did. Bet they don’t look at you anymore with hyung around.”

“Nah man, two hot dudes in an apartment’s bound to get them more interested.” He could hear him fuming on the other line. _Won this one._

“So, how are you enjoying the city?” Byung Hun changed the subject.

“It’s chill. Sunbaes brought me to a bar and made me drink and I got crazy drunk so that was an experience.”

“Nice.”

“Also learned how to wash my clothes thanks to the internet.”

“Less nice.”

“Yeah, I have to make time in my schedule to do stuff like that now. It’s weird. “

“Sucks.”

“Yeah, plus-“

“Hey, jagiya!” He heard Jung Ho come in.

Baekhyun hid the phone’s microphone under his palm.

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

He stared at his boyfriend. His heart beating fast.

_Wait maybe he didn_ _’_ _t hear? And if he did, it`s not like he_ _’_ _ll think Jung Ho_ _’_ _s serious, right? Yeah. That_ _’_ _s right._

He put the phone back on his ear.

“Dude, where were you gone at?” He sounded mad but the same way Man Soo would playfully be mad.

_Ah, no. He didn_ _’_ _t hear._

He glanced back at Jung Ho who he could see was staring at him worryingly. _It_ _’_ _s fine. He didn_ _’_ _t hear._

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

“What the fuck was that?”

_Wait he still sounds angry._

“W-what are you yelling about? What’s up?”

“Was that hyung? He calls you ‘jagiya’?”

“Eh-“ He looked at his boyfriend again. _Help me. He heard. What am I gonna do, I can_ _’_ _t have him thinking I_ _’_ _m gay. What the hell. What is happening?_ “It’s just a j-“

“What was that pause?”

_What the hell?_

“What the fuck, Man S- Byung Hun? It’s just a joke between hyung and me, you’re being-“

“Are you gay? You know my sister told me there was something weird with two men moving in together but I told her off cause of course I didn’t think you would be like that but in the end maybe she was right, right? Cause what I just heard was surely fucking weird.”

“Jeez, calm down man, it’s just a joke, why would you think that-“

“Did you ever jerk off to me or Man Soo?”

_What the fuck._

“No! Why the fuck would I do that?”

“You know what, just, fuck off. I know it already. I’ve just been too stupid to accept it. My sister was right. You two are just weird. Go get raped.”

_What the fuck?_

“Byung Hun! What the fuck? Byung Hun!”

His friend hung up.

What the fuck was that. He didn’t understand. How could he just find out like that? There wasn’t even any clear information about them being gay. What the hell did he do wrong? How could he just find out like this?

“What the fuck.”

He heard his voice break and suddenly he could feel the lump in his throat and the frowning of his eyebrows.

Jung Ho was looking at him, hands ready to catch him if he were to fall.

_What the fuck just happened._

“He...Just hung up?”

Jung Ho wasn’t saying anything.

“He called us weird and then just hung up...I don’t understand...How did he even...Why did he...”

_I_ _’_ _m not gay. Why would he think I_ _’_ _m gay?_

Jung Ho carefully took him in his arm.

_How could he know by just that? _

Jung Ho sat him down on their bed, a hand on his thigh.

_I don_ _’_ _t understand._

“I don’t understand. He just started screaming for no reason.”

“What did he say?”

Baekhyun didn’t answer. He didn’t want to believe it had happened. He wasn’t surprised it had; he knew Byung Hun would have reacted that way if he ever was to find out, but he was shocked by how easily, how _stupidly_ he had figured things out.

It _could_ have been just a joke.

He guessed it was his voice that had given it away. He had been scared after all. His voice had been shaking, cracking. Because he knew it wasn’t just a joke. He knew the fact that they were together was dangerous. It could turn their lives upside down if anyone found out.

And Byung Hun found out.

“He found out.”

“Was it because-“

“It’s not your fault.”

“Y-yeah...Do you think he’ll tell anyone?”

In no time, he was calling his mom again.

“Yeah, Eomma? It`s Baek. Yeah. If Byung Hun calls, ignore him okay? I don’t know what happened but I had him on the phone earlier and he...Just don’t listen to him, okay? No, that’s it. Thanks.”

He wasn’t at all reassured when he hung off.

“Don’t...Don’t stress over it too much. You can’t do anything about it right now and...It’s better that way anyway. If he was so quick to-“

“I don’t think it’s better. I don’t like this. I’m...I just lost one of my best friends and-“

_Man Soo._

He texted him the same thing he had told his mom.

“Hey, the world won’t turn against you just like-“

“You were lucky. You were lucky you had parents who brought you to places like Spain and accepted you when you came out. But my family isn’t like that. The world _I_ grew in isn’t like that. And I _know_ it.”

“Baekhyun you can’t be sure of-“

“I _know_ okay. I’ve heard the way my parents talked about homosexuals. I’ve heard how the people at our _school_ talked about them. I will lose _everything_ if it comes out; get that in your head, Jung Ho.”

The latter looked away, stood up and went to the bathroom, banging the door. 

It took a few days before Baekhyun could finally address the matter and apologize for his rude behavior.

The week after when Baekhyun tried calling his mom, it wouldn’t answer.

When he tried texting Man Soo, the messages couldn’t reach him.

Even his grandmother wouldn’t answer his calls.

After a week of trying to call his mother every day, he stopped trying.

_Maybe she_ _’_ _ll call by herself next weekend._

But she didn’t.

When money stopped getting transferred in his bank account he understood she wouldn’t contact him anymore.

Nor his father or his brother. Nor Man Soo, nor his grandparents.

He’d have to start face life on his own now or so he thought. But Jung Ho was with him trying his best to make everything better which he was actually able to do. He would make faces every time they crossed eyes, always finding something new to do with his eyes, tongue, and nose to make himself look even weirder every time.

He’d try his best to find stories to tell and also try his best to tell them for he never could tell them in a straight and logical line and always ended up telling three or four at the same time. It was amusing to look at him try to remember what he was saying every time he digressed. He’d talk about his teachers, about his coworkers or the clients at his job and about the things he noticed about Seoul. It might have been hard for Baekhyun to concentrate in class after everything that had happened, but when Jung Ho was speaking, he just put in so much effort to keep his boyfriend’s attention on him that it would have been hard for Baekhyun to notice a hippo walk in the room. 

When the younger man dropped off school to get a second job, he made a deal with Jung Ho that he would be doing most of the chores at home to lessen the other’s stress as he had also started working in a second establishment as well as keeping his classes to graduate that year. Everything that fell into the washing category was fine. If he didn’t know how to do something he would just look up on Naver. It all went pretty well except the first time he used bleach but he learned rapidly.

However, cooking...Cooking was not a skill he had, even with the help of the internet.

The first times he cooked completely alone, without Jung Ho to supervise him, it turned out pretty horrible.

There was this time, for example, where he had tried to boil an egg only to discover after that it had grown...stuff. Jung Ho eventually explained the white had simply come out of the shell to boil outside of it. His hyung ate it but not him. _It looks like brains..._

Seeing how pitiful Baekhyun had looked, Jung Ho had made a box full of different types of pastries be delivered to their apartment. That had made him regain his spirits.

After that, whenever his boyfriend had a moment to spare, he would teach him a recipe that Baekhyun would then proceed to make an attempt. He didn’t always succeed, but when he did, Jung Ho wouldn’t fail to praise him. His joyful hugs were always so tight, so warm, embracing him wholly and forcing his face to rest on his torso. Then, when he talked, he could hear the vibrations of his voice on his skin. It resonated inside his core, like a deep lullaby. It’s where he felt safe, it’s where he felt at home.

Jung Ho might have not been a good singer, his voice had something soothing in it which made it not too annoying to hear for Baekhyun when he would decide to blast his music and sing off key for hours. It made the petite man happy to hear the other loudly express his joy like that when he knew he was most likely exhausted from constantly working and studying.

 _Yeah. I_ _’_ _m not alone._ He giggled. _Guess Jung Ho was right. I didn_ _’_ _t lose_ _‘_ _everything_ _’_ _._

 

 

 

 

“Something good happened?”

Baekhyun had noticed his partner’s beaming expression when the latter had come back from work late at night.

“Oh.” He seemed to be thoughtful for a moment before smiling wide again. He hurried next to him on their bed. “I found some relatives.”

Baekhyun raised an eyebrow.

“ _Biological_ relatives.”

The younger man sat up. “Oh my god, that’s great! I’m happy for you!”

“Yeah.” He was a new type of happy. _I never realized it was important for him._

“How...How did you find them?”

“I had been looking for a while now but it was them that found me.” He laughed. “They were so quick to make me feel like one of them.”

“Really? That’s great! I’m guessing they came to your job?”

“Actually, they passed by me on the street and we bumped into each other and they recognized me so...”

“Damn, you got lucky!”

“Yeah...Yeah, I did.”

He probably noticed the mournful smile on Baekhyun’s face. Of course, he was happy but couldn’t help the twinge of sadness at the mention of family.

“I’ll go brush my teeth and come back to cuddle you, kay, jagiya?”

That instantly made him laugh. “Kay!”

 

 

 

 

He opened the door.

“Yo! You home?”

It was dark. There was a light coming from the half-closed door of the bathroom. It reassured him to know he was indeed there. He was tired. He wanted to go to bed already. He could already feel how soft the pillow would feel under his skull.

He stepped in something wet. Looking under his foot, he noticed the dark color and called out once again.

He talked to himself lowly: “Is he bleeding?” Then, louder: “Are you alright?”

He walked to their bathroom. A chair had been broken and its parts were now discarded on the floor. He grew worried, paid attention to where he stepped. He had to be careful not to hurt himself.

He slowly opened the bathroom door. 

“Jung Ho?”

He was lying on the side of the bath. There was the diluted color of crimson on the white edge of the bath. _What happened?_

_“You’re back.” He stood up. “I was going crazy without you.” He brushed his fingers on the skin of Baekhyun’s neck._

_“There was blood in the living room, are you hurt?”_

_He gripped his shoulder. “There wasn’t any blood. The only things that were spilled on that floor were my tears because you weren’t next to me. I need you, jagiya.”_

_Baekhyun sighed lovingly._ _He’s drunk._ _That was new._ _Did something happen? He doesn’t usually drink, and by himself at that._

_He squinted as Jung Ho tightened his grip. “You’re hurting me.”_

_He kissed him and Baekhyun was pushed outside the bathroom and on the wall of the passage._

_The younger man pushed him off, hurt by the impact. “Jung Ho, stop. You drank, is that it?”_

_The man didn’t listen to him and just smashed their lips together again._

_Baekhyun turned away, losing his temper. “Stop!_ What is it with you?”

“What is it with me?” The man grabbed onto his face. “I told you. I missed you.”

“Okay, but I don’t want to kiss you while you’re drunk.” He pushed him away once again.

“I’m not- Ugh. I do everything for you and this is how you thank me? Why won’t you let me kiss you? I need you.”

Next thing he knew he was colliding with the floor. Did he trip? _Did Jung Ho…Push me?_

He didn’t understand. Why was he acting like this? He guessed that was the reason why Jung Ho never drank.

He gulped tried to calm himself down.

Jung Ho punched the wall he had just been leaning on. His mind yelled him to run yet he was stuck on the floor, his muscles incredibly tensed. All he could do was close his eyes and shake. Nothing else was responding. He hated himself for closing his eyes. In a critical situation, he could get killed by freezing that way. He should have been moving.

_Why can’t I move?_

He only opened his eyes again when he heard sniffing. _Oh, he’s crying._ He calmed down; a sad drunk was less dangerous than a violent drunk.

What was watching him then was inhuman. It was enormous, furry, with eyes of demons and claws that would certainly cut his throat like paper. It stared at him like he was going to be its next meal.

He was able to stumble a bit backward. _Yes. There you go. Stand up and run. Run. Run._

_Why can’t I run?_

The beast walked up to him and Baekhyun looked away, closing his eyes when he felt the animal’s breath on his face, on his neck. _Kill me. Somebody kill me, please. Get me out of this situation. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want it to hurt. Please._

When two human arms finally wrapped themselves around him, he wailed.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

_Jung Ho?_

“It’s me. Look at me, jagiya.”

He glanced back and saw a soft but pained expression on his boyfriend’s face. “What was that? Why-“ _What just happened?_

“I’m sorry, jagiya, it’s my wolf.” _Your wolf?_ “I started a rut or something, at least that’s what our leader told me.” Baekhyun didn’t understand. It was all a blur. Jung Ho seemed so confident of what he was saying, his boyfriend wanted to believe him but everything was all so uncanny.

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re my mate. Like my soul-mate? My wolf just keeps on calling for you. I just want you so bad.”

“I- I don’t.” He was slowly regaining his senses. “No. You’re-“ _he’s drunk._ “You’re drunk. I’ll go sleep somewhere else tonight and tomorrow-“ He cut his sentence seeing how threatening Jung Ho looked once again. “J-Jung Ho?”

He grabbed on his legs and turned him around roughly. “You are not going anywhere.”

Baekhyun felt something get planted in his calves and shouted. “What the fuck! What are you doing!” It stung terribly. He fell on his chest and forearms and Jung Ho pulled him back by his hips making his limbs scratch against their entry carpet.

“Dude, what the hell! Let me go!” He tried turning around and pushing him away, to no avail.

Jung Ho swiftly got rid of his pants.

“Jung Ho, I do not want to.”

He thought it had actually worked. His partner had stopped his actions. He heard him take a deep breath.

“You’re my boyfriend, you _have_ to.”

_You’re not my boyfriend. You’re not the hyung I know._

It reassured Baekhyun when he felt the older man caress his buttocks though. _Okay, he’s less violent at least._ He felt his hand move around his shaft, grazing a finger on it before taking a hold of it, and tried to calm down. _Let’s just do this. We’ll talk tomorrow. It’s more dangerous if I keep going against his will._ The man’s attention went on his bums again, taking a cheek in one hand, squeezing it lightly, tickling it with the tip of his fingers. Baekhyun let out an approving moan. _That’s it. That’s alright._ It felt more like the Jung Ho he knew.

He felt the other’s mouth on his skin, his tongue slowly leaving trails of saliva on his bottom, then his lips halting, finding the perfect spot to suck on, to leave a hickey on. He could slowly calm down.

He tried getting himself more in the mood by telling himself that this was special, that this was a new place to do it, that it was somehow kinky to do it on the entry floor but it reminded him of how they had gotten there in the first place. He couldn’t trust him. What was that creature back then? Where did it go? What if Jung Ho started getting violent again? The stinging in his calves only kept him even more unnerved. 

He felt him spit on his butthole and grew irritated. _You are not just gonna use spit, are you? _“Listen, if you want to fuck me, at least get the lube.”

He felt his nails dig in his hips and along his skin before he heard Jung Ho growl lowly.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” _I’m so stupid, what did I think?_

He entered a finger. “But we did it before without needing it and you still enjoyed yourself.” Spit again. Entered another.

Baekhyun simply nodded and breathed. _Relax._

“I’ll try my best not to hurt you, okay?”

“Okay.” _See? It’s gonna be okay. Just try to enjoy yourself. It’s just like before._

He was more hurried than usual, certainly. It showed with how quickly he had been to enter him, how desperately he had hung onto him.

“I needed this. I needed you. You have no idea how much I needed you, jagi. It feels so good, you wouldn’t be able to understand.”

_Yes, I understand. You’re just fucking drunk._

He was slightly disgusted when the man kissed his neck but couldn’t help but want to indulge in the feeling. It was his boyfriend’s lips kissing him. It was his warm breath he could feel on his neck. Then why did it feel like a stranger was inside him?

“Ah, shit. You’re so tight, jagiya.”

_Stop that. I don’t want to hear it._

 He felt Jung Ho start moving, first further in to then start moving about.

He yelped. “Slower, please.”

The older man pushed in strongly, holding onto his hips.

“O-ow, hyung,” he pushed himself on all fours, trying to turn around.

After that, he didn’t remember much or at least he didn’t want to remember much.

He remembered the pain, he remembered how harshly Jung Ho had treated him, and then he remembered his hyung turning him around to show him the semen on his fingers. Baekhyun’s semen.

“See, told you, you would like it.”

 

 

 

 

He woke up in their bed the next day. He guessed Jung Ho had placed him there for he didn’t recall being able to reach it himself. He sat up.

_Bad idea._

He puked on the side of the bed. Thankfully there was no carpet there. He knew he’d have to wash that but, for that, he had to get up and he really didn’t want to. 

His entire lower body hurt and not in the joking “I had a really good night of hard sex”. He felt the pain run through his spine as if he was being hit on the nerves over and over. The skin of his legs stung, especially his calves and hips. Even moving an inch made him feel like his muscles would fall out.

He glanced at his naked side, noticed the nasty scratch. It looked like the claws of an animal.

_So that was really Jung Ho?_

He looked at their dining table, saw there was a note resting on it. He tried to read but couldn’t make out the signs.

He stood up, slowly, careful not to step in his vomit. When he first put pressure on his legs, he winced and looked at it. There was blood all over it. Glancing back at the bed he saw how the covers were also stained.

He sat back down, brought his hands to his face and finally let himself be vulnerable.

What the fuck had happened? How did things come to this? How could the Jung Ho he had met in the summer be the person that did…

He stared at the bed sheets.

He felt the silence press on his mind, holding his brain, preventing him from thinking about anything. He went completely blank for a few minutes.

_Oh…I had a shift this morning. Well, fuck it I guess._

He felt so…Cut out from the entire world? To hell with his jobs, to hell with his coworkers and to hell with his clients.

He looked at the door.

To hell with Jung Ho.

He had to leave.

He could leave now. Jung Ho wasn’t there. He just needed to pack a few things and leave. It didn’t matter where he would go.   

The thought made his heart ache.

_I don’t want to leave._

He didn’t want to be alone. His boyfriend had just left him alone after being so cold to him. He wanted a hug. He wanted Jung Ho to tell him that it was alright that he had vomited, that he could rest and that he would deal with him.

He stood up, ignoring the pain in his lower half. He sat down on their kitchen chair and read the note.

_I apologize. Let’s talk tonight. I love you, jagiya._

After crying for about half an hour, he picked himself up and cleaned their apartment before passing out on their couch.

 

 

 

 

He got startled when a hand touched his arm.

Jung Ho was back.

They exchanged a stare before Baekhyun looked away and sat up.

“How are you?” His boyfriend asked.

He didn’t want to answer. He gulped. “Yesterday…What happened?”

The older man sighed. “As I told you, I started a rut so my wolf was requesting his mate…you.”

“So that beast I saw…”

“That was me, yeah.”

They remained silent.

“Sorry, I wish it could have gone more softly. I didn’t mean to scare you nor hurt you. He just really wanted you and you were resisting so…I had to use force.”

Baekhyun nodded, he was fuming inside. “Did you know for a while that you were…Like that?”

“I’ve been a shape-shifter for as long as I can remember but always thought I was weird…My parents never told me about it cause…Well, they just didn’t know about it. But then I met the pack, you know the cousins I’ve been telling you about? They’re telling me about everything I need to know about what it means to be a shape-shifter. Now I understand why I was so captivated by you.”

Softly, he put two fingers below his chin to turn his face towards him. “You’re my soul-mate. God has decided it for us.” Jung Ho’s beaming expression made him give in.

He jumped into his arms, sobbing on his shirt.

The taller man shushed him, patted his back. “I won’t hurt you anymore.”

And when Baekhyun had calmed down he was able to give him an answer: “I don’t really get everything that you said but…I’ll help you my best. As long as you don’t get…too carried away, okay?”

“I promise.”

 

 

 

 

Lies.

Baekhyun lay fully awake on his back, dry tears on his cheeks.

_Liar._

He had a lump in his throat.

His neck hurt and every time he moved it ever so slightly the memories from the past night resurfaced. The way Jung Ho had held it, the way he had used it to keep his face in their mattress. It hurt.

He glanced at the door.

_This time I’m getting out._

He didn’t even think about bringing anything with him. He just stood up and stumbled to the door while ignoring all the alarms his nerves were activating.

As he reached the doorknob, he fell on his knees. He rested his head against the door.

Something inside him was screaming. He felt terrified, weak. He turned his back to the door, feeling more protected that way.

It was there again.

The creature.

There were many of them now.

Shadows walking around his apartment, their glassy bloodshot eyes devoid of empathy watching him. There were screams in his throat he couldn’t let out and his body once again refused to move. He felt as if the moment he would take a step to get up they would all attack him, rip his flesh slowly while he was still conscious.

“Go away!” He finally let out. “Please! Leave!”

He closed his eyes and bit on his lips so hard he actually felt some blood on his tongue.

Eventually, the thought that he was about to be sick forced his eyes open. He ran to the bathroom, the repulsion to the idea of having to wash his puke off the floor once again stronger than his fear of the beasts. When he was done vomiting, he realized the wolves were gone.

He gripped his legs and sat in the little space there was between the bath and the toilet. He felt protected there. Cold but protected.

He rested there between two regurgitations, his head either leaning on the wall or on the ceramic of the toilet. At the end of the day, it had become some type of routine. He would feel his temperature rise, vomit and then cool down and have some time to rest before the circle started anew. When he felt well enough to finally change positions, he thought he would try taking a bath.

First, he washed off all the blood that was stuck to his skin with the shower head and then he relaxed in a warm bath. Breathing was easier suddenly and, when it had finally stopped, Baekhyun realized his head had been panging.  

 

 

 

 

He tried to make him smile. He had done well, he thought.

“Do you recognize the recipe?”

“Yeah.”

_But I did good, didn’t I?_

“Did you have a good day?”

“Not really, to be honest. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“O-okay. Is it your rut?”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it! Fuck!”

His tone made him jump. He could feel his eyes growing more humid. _Don’t cry. Don’t cry._

“Don’t cry.” There was a smile there. “I’m sorry, my rut’s making me impatient. I think I’ll go take a shower. I’m not really hungry so no need to save my plate.”

“Okay.”

He put their plates of stew back in a pot to reheat the next day. He wasn’t hungry either.

He washed the dishes, went to brush his teeth and then to bed.

When Jung Ho joined him, Baekhyun was somewhat happy to feel him spoon him. Only, the moment didn’t last more than a few minutes. The older man soon had a hand in his pants, trying to get him hard.

“Stop, Jung Ho. I’m exhausted.”

“Just collaborate and we’ll be done. Please, I can’t do anything else, it has to be you, jagiya.”

_Stop calling me ‘jagiya’._

“Make it fast.”

 

 

 

 

The next day he woke up with another fever. He was smart enough to understand quickly what it meant. That time, he brought a blanket with him for when he was cold. After repeating the circle three or four times he decided he would try the bath trick once again. It worked wonders.

Soon he could lay on their couch to sleep without fearing for his stomach to grow upset. He lied there and watched the TV, trying to distract himself from his right arm hurting tremendously; he could barely move his fingers.

When Jung Ho texted him in the afternoon telling him he wouldn’t come back that night, he thanked the Heavens for letting him rest. When the shadows reappeared again it was slightly easier to tell himself that they weren’t real. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on not moving his head for it hurt his neck. It might have worsened his headache for a few seconds but then he was back into reality again.

And Jung Ho wasn’t there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Honestly, I'm glad I'm done with this one because fuck these are so hard to write. 
> 
> I wanted to say that I understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship but if you or someone you know is living one please know that it was what you need to do. You need to get the fuck away from that person even if they might apologize after being abusive and make it up to you. It's an infinite circle which you do not have the power to break.   
> Please seek help. Tell a friend about what's happening, make other people aware of your situation so that you don't feel alone (which they will often try to make you feel as it gives them more power). And if it is your friend abusing you, it's possible. Heck, it could also be your parents.   
> (If you want you can even slide into my DMs, tell me and I'll do some research for you and be there) 
> 
> There are resources available for you. Inform yourself (if you can't use the internet home, there are many public spaces that offer computers you can use to make research (be it in a mall or a library). (Remember: knowledge is power) 
> 
> I can't put links here but know that if you go on Wikipedia there's a List of Domestic Violence Hotlines that work internationally and that there's an article on HelpGuide that explains pretty well Domestic Violence and Abuse.


	8. Healing is not Linear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING for examples of symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and panic attack. Also, mention of murder and graphic description of violence.  
> Tbh this chapter is just hella sad.

They were fortunate enough to find the door unlocked when they arrived at Jung Ho’s place but the discovery had also raised worries in their hearts. What if someone had reached him before they did?

They hurried inside, called out the human’s name. He didn’t answer but they could feel him there. They could feel how scared he was.

“Pack him some clothes, I’ll go talk to him,” Suho spoke to his junior. He saw how terrified the younger man was. The place smelled awful. Their instincts were yelling for them to get out.

 He walked towards the bathroom where he suspected the human most likely was as he wasn’t in their main room. He opened the door carefully, delicately. He found the frightened man being huddled in the small space there was between his bath and toilet. He noted that the bath was still full, how the floor and the body were still wet. _He must have tried to run away._

He noticed firefly-like balls of light floating around the room. _Is he making that?_

The door creaked and both he and the boy jumped.

The light grew stronger.

He stared at the bruises and scars all over the person’s body. As he was turned to the side, Suho could see how his stomach seemed to have been empty for days. His limbs were trembling. _Understandable; I’m a complete stranger that just walked in his apartment without notice._

He breathed in, wanting to talk only for his instincts to turn him around quickly and make him cover his eyes. _Wow. Okay._ After a few seconds, he chanced opening an eye. _Oof. Gone. Okay. He’s got powers._

“What was that?” Came D.O’s panicked voice.  

He whispered an uncertain “power?” as an answer. To which D.O frowned but nonetheless calmed slightly.

He turned his attention to the apartment owner once again.

“Baekhyun?”  The boy jumped. “Hey, I come here as a friend. I mean you no harm.” As he wasn’t answering Suho added: “we’re gonna take you out of here.”  _We have to._

He sighed, noticing how the human refused to answer. “I’m Suho? And in the living room that’s D.O. He’s…Packing clothes for you. We’re going to Japan and we thought we would…bring you with us?” _How are we gonna get him a plane ticket? Shit. I didn’t think about that. Fuck._ “I understand this is kinda weird as you don’t know who we are but we heard about you and…Listen we gotta get you out of this place.”

He gained hope when Baekhyun looked at him through fearful eyes. _Okay. That’s good. He’s looking at me._

“Hey,” he smiled.  It felt like he was speaking to a child.

Suho tried to analyze everything he could see in the man’s eyes but abandoned after only a few seconds. _Too much. Let’s just stay with “He’s scared.”_

He pondered on what he should do next, on what he could do to either gain the human’s trust or at least just get them one step closer to getting out of there. _We need to hurry._

He looked at the wet bangs of the man, how a few drops were slowly sliding on Baekhyun’s skin, assumed he was cold from the goosebumps all over his body. _We could get him dry that would already be something._

“You’re gonna get sick if you stay like that, mind if I help you dry up?”

The human seemed thoughtful when he looked away again; it was to watch where he leaned on to help himself get up with trembling legs. _He’ll fall._

“Wait, no. Don’t stand up. Hum…I’ll you show something, okay?“

The boy looked confused but stayed seated.

Suho smiled and pulled every drop of water away from the human into butterfly shapes. Pretty pathetic butterfly shapes but he tried. He explained, watching his creations fly.

“I’m like you. I don’t blind people or make light balls fly but I control water. D.O can control the earth.”

The confusion didn’t leave the man’s face.

He dropped the water in the bath and emptied it.

He remembered that Jung Ho had told him his boyfriend wasn’t a shape-shifter. _This I all new to him._

“We’ll help you, is all I wanted to-”

“Suho,” D.O spoke in a feeble voice from the living room.

“We’re coming,” he replied. He glanced to Baekhyun, smiled again. “Yeah?”

“Okay.” 

When the man started getting up, Suho hurried to his side. “Lean on me.”

There were ugly scars on his calves and he noticed how bruised his right arm was but didn’t bring it up.

He helped him walk out of the bathroom and into their living room where he went to pick up a random shirt, underwear and pants from the pile D.O had made and helped Baekhyun dress, his dongsaeng quickly joining him to help.

His arm was hurting him so bad they assumed it was broken when they couldn’t get him to pass it in a sleeve. They mourned the fact that Dong Bin wasn’t with them, he could have healed him. Where was he? Was he safe? Was he on that man’s side?

“Kris’ friend is also a healer, he could heal him,” Suho recalled.

“Maybe we should get him to a hospital though,” D.O suggested. “He’ll heal the same way humans do with these-“

Suho just signed no, they didn’t have time and he didn’t want to explain the situation in front of Baekhyun, not wanting to alert him or… _Shit._

He recalled what had happened. The horns in Jung Ho’s body. The sound the impact of his fist on her head had made. The scream. That horrible-

“Let’s just get to the airport,” Suho spoke. _We’ll figure things out there._

When he stepped out of the apartment, he came face to face with his hyung.

His heart stopped. _What is he gonna do?_

He saw him glance at Baekhyun. D.O saw how he analyzed closely how the human was leaning on him. _He knows we’re here to get him out._

The man looked around.

“Do you have his passport?”

 _He’s here to help. Of course he is. Why did they even doubt that?_ Instantly their jaws unclenched and shoulders dropped. _Fuck though. No, we don’t._

Suho signed no.

“Where’s your passport?” D.O asked.

“N-Night table.”

 Suho went back in to search for the said passport.

Dong Bin gave D.O a ticket.

“It’s for him. Same time as you. I’ll deal with the issues here.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

“You’re welcome.” He noticed the makeshift cast he had made Baekhyun. “Mind if I touch you?”

They sensed how the man suddenly grew nervous.

“Okay, it’s fine. I won’t touch you, I don’t need to. Don’t worry, kay?” He smiled.

He approached his hands from the cast, keeping a good distance between them. Baekhyun relaxed slightly and, as the pain slowly went away, started breathing more calmly. 

After rummaging through all the papers of the night table, Suho came back with the human’s passport.

Dong Bin walked away, leaving them space to escape as they all felt the members of the pack getting closer.

“Go. Live well.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

“You’re welcome. You shouldn’t check the news for a while, kay?”

“Yeah, alright.”

They left.

 

 

 

 

 The taxi ride was silent. So was waiting at the airport and the plane ride. Strangers avoided them; probably because of the gloom that surrounded them. Suho would’ve liked to be able to not care but he did.  It bothered him that bystanders seemed to know something had happened. He felt somewhat guilty. And even more, because he wasn’t able to put a smile on neither of D.O nor Baekhyun’s face. He wanted to reassure his dongsaeng and wanted to somewhat make friends with the newcomer. After all, he would be living with them now. He wanted him to be at least comfortable with one person.

He went to buy them some juice, that way Baekhyun would at least get some water in his body.

He asked him about his arm and if it felt better since Dong Bin had healed him. He answered with short sentences, weak words. Eventually, they returned to silence, exhausted but wide awake, unable to rest.

When they arrived in Japan, he felt how uneasy Baekhyun was, not being able to communicate to anyone but them two, not understanding any word that was written, any sentence that was spoken. The atmosphere was so tense in the cab.

He kept his eyes on Baekhyun when he took in the new faces of the people he would now be living with. A second later, his knees went weak and his body went down. He was quick enough to catch him.

“Lay?” He recognized Kris’ voice and then he noticed his friend walking up to them, communicating with his friends in Chinese.

“Partly,” Lay spoke, “he would have fainted by himself in a few seconds.” He called to Xiumin who understood he would have to carry the boy. The Chinese men all thought a woman was supposed to arrive with them. How had their plans changed so rapidly?

Suho stared at Kris as Xiumin left with Baekhyun in his arms followed by Lay, Chen, and D.O.  His boyfriend was frowning.

“Sorry I didn’t say anything,” the Korean man broke the silence first, “I could barely think. I didn’t want to worry you but…Yeah, I guess that doesn’t make much sense.”

There were so many questions in Kris’ eyes, so much worry surrounding him. Suho didn’t know how to answer him, how to reassure him. He didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want to tell him what happened. He didn’t want to think about it. To think. To remember. To see. To hear.

He looked away and folded his hands, closing himself to any conversation unknowingly.

Kris took a step forward and enlaced him.

 

 

 

 

He woke up dizzily to a ceiling he didn’t recognize and to alarming scents. He rubbed his face and turned his head around to try and get some answers to his questions. He noticed a small figure sitting on a chair on his left, spacing out. _Ah, I know him. He was at the apartment._ He didn’t remember his name but he didn’t really care. He wasn’t a potential threat and that was the only important information.

To his right was a stranger, sleeping on the bed with him, on top of the covers. He had a funny face with his mouth slackly open. It felt like he was harmless too. Baekhyun thought he kind of looked like the comic relief.

He fell back asleep.

 

 

 

 

Someone was shaking him gently.

He jolted awake, adrenaline rushing into him. _Who is that?_ He wanted to scream. The person above him seemed understanding, his expression calm, and dimple on his cheek.

“Water. You drink.” The man’s voice was soothing.

“Mmh.” He tried to lift himself, painfully.

“I help you.”

His hands were too weak to hold the glass alone so the man aided him, keeping a hand in his back to keep him seated. When the glass was emptied, the stranger settled him back on the mattress and fixed the covers.

He heard him leave.

 

 

 

 

He woke up to his bladder screaming at him. He pushed himself up.

“Hey, wait, what’s up?” Baekhyun was happy to hear Korean. It was the small guy again.

“Bathroom.”

“Okay, oop, okay. Here, let’s go together.”

He had never felt so weak. He had to leave the toilet’s door slightly opened so his helper could come in quickly if need be.

As he washed his hands he felt the need to puke. Good thing the toilet was close.

He went back into the bed he had now somewhat claimed as his.

He heard the whispering of a conversation and seconds after the funny man was back to his side.

 

 

There was the smell of food floating in the air.

_I’m hungry._

He hoped they had left him food on the bedside table like they had the first few days.

_None._

He sighed, wiped his face. The ceiling was dull, white. His mind was empty and exhausted.

He sat up slowly. He stepped on the cold ground and breathed in when he started standing up. He was dizzy and his legs felt wobbly.

He followed the smell. He exited the apartment, turned to notice stairs. The scent was coming from the second floor, so were the voices.

He wasn’t sure he would be able to climb the stairs. It felt like he could pass out at any moment.

His hunger made him determined to go taste whatever food had been served.

The door was open for him but he grew nervous.

He was intruding. He wasn’t supposed to be there. He was imposing his presence on them he couldn’t just go and eat their food.

He leaned on the wall, suddenly feeling sick. He gulped, hoping the feeling of vomiting would go away. He breathed slowly.

They had heard him. Someone was coming.

_I should leave._

He didn’t have the time to make a decision that the small guy’s friend was already next to him. That one was small too but…Less small.

“You okay?”

Baekhyun just nodded.

“You know you can join us if you want,” the man announced.

The other simply stared.

“…Or maybe you would prefer if we just brought food to you? You must be hungry, right?”

_Shit. I’m being impolite. I’ve been living under their roof for a few days now and never even talked to them._

“Eh, n-no, it’s fine. I’ll join you?”

It seemed to have surprised the Korean man. _Shit. Did he not want me to accept?_

“Okay,” he showed him inside, “come.”

There were more people than Baekhyun remembered. There was the small guy, the funny one but also three other faces he had never seen. He felt awkward. The atmosphere was awkward. He was making things awkward.

He licked his lips.

They made him some space in their circle on the ground. In the center, there were pots, plates, condiments, side dishes, and drinks. The small man was already making him a plate of everything.

 _Shit, I’ll never be able to eat all of that._  

The other Korean man sat him between him and the small man. He noticed how cute the latter looked. He had big eyes that sparkled with youth and big lips. He looked kind of like a doll. He assumed he was younger than him.

He passed him the plate without looking at him. _He’s mad at me, isn’t he?_ He mourned the thought; he had been very nice to him previously.

He held the plate looking around at the others, at theirs. The doll-looking boy continued eating but for the others, they were all staring at him.

Someone laughed. He had a square-y face and it looked like he was mocking him. He said something that he didn’t understand one bit. _Is that English? Shit, I don’t know any English._ He panicked. The man smiled at him. His eyebrows made him look really sad.

The doll boy hit his arm. “Eat up.” He pointed at his food. Somehow, he felt reassured by that boy. He had spoken so simply just then, his voice deprived of any judgment. Although it still looked like he hated his guts, he liked his straight-forwardness. That’s what he needed at that moment.

He started eating and before he knew it his plate was empty.

_I don’t understand, I ate so much. I never ate like that. They’re gonna think I’ll ruin them._

He looked at the boy for reassurance or at least for another direct explanation.

He took his plate. “Want more?” He asked.

 _No._ “No, no. It’s fine. Really. Sorry, I don’t eat that much usu-“

“It’s normal that you’re eating more. We usually eat two times what you ate every meal,” the other Korean explained.

_What?_

He remembered how his body was changing weirdly and how he had transformed into a wolf a few days back. He pushed the information away. _No, that can’t be real. It’s probably just a dream. I’m going crazy._ Images of his apartment and of Jung Ho drowned his mind. _I don’t wanna go back there._

He tensed up when a deep voice started speaking. He was quick to differentiate their voices - the way they ended their sentences was different and they didn’t have the same intonations – but for a moment there, he really thought Jung Ho was next to him.

The man was speaking so fast.

On his right, the Korean translated: “Kris says that if you want to eat more it’s alright, plus you haven’t eaten anything in a few days so we were worried.”

“Sorry for making you worried, I’m better now,” Baekhyun dropped his head. The taller Korean translated.

“We see that.” The funny man spoke slowly and exaggerated his pronunciation which allowed Baekhyun to understand what he had said. He couldn’t help but laugh shyly at his teasing.

He noticed how the atmosphere changed. The others seemed happier all of a second.   

The doll didn’t wait for an answer before giving him another filled plate. He had pretty much emptied what remained of the food in Baekhyun’s serving and was now tidying up the floor.

They let him eat peacefully while the others spoke, funny man helped doll boy clean up with the help of square face.

He desperately tried to remember the Korean men’s names for he was sure he had already been told. He wanted to ask but at the same time didn’t want to interrupt the others’ conversation. He concentrated on the feeling of his slowly decreasing hunger.

He wondered if they would kick him out and when they would. He wouldn’t feel alright with staying under their roof without paying for anything, living like a parasite.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?” It was funny man’s voice.

He felt too hot all of a second. It felt like the room was suddenly extremely small and that the air kept getting stuck in his throat. _Shit, am I allergic to something I ate?_ It felt like his throat was swelling.

_I’m gonna die._

The funny man shushed him, making him stand and helped him to the toilet. He let him rest his back on the wall between the toilet and the bath while he was wetting a towel.

Baekhyun’s eyes started tearing up as he couldn’t feel his hands.

The man came back, putting a wet towel on his forehead and staring into his eyes. They were reassuring and the wet towel and the man’s hand on the side of his throat actually seemed to help. He calmed down a bit but then felt puke coming. He lifted the toilet’s seat and did what he had to do.

“Sorry.” He spoke in English leaning against the wall again.

“It is okay. You eat too fast.” The man explained.

_Yeah, that makes sense._

He felt exhausted again. The funny man wiped his mouth with the wet towel and discarded it. He came back to lift him up. He carried him to his bed and let him sleep.

 

 

 

 

He woke up again a bit later that day. He sensed someone entering the room and opened his eyes.

“Hey, I came to bring you some water,” the person explained.

“Sure.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Better.” He didn’t feel like complaining. He knew they were doing the best they could to make him feel better. He wanted to tell them they had succeeded.  

“Yeah? That’s good. I’ll let you rest.”

“Ah, wait!”

“Mmh?”

“W-what’s your name? I’m sorry; I can’t seem to remember.”

“That’s fine. I’m Suho.”

_So: Suho. He’s the one I met in the bathroom._

“And the others?”

Suho went to sit on a chair next to the bed.

“D.O was with me in Korea.”

“Oh, he’s the one that looks a bit like a doll.” He would cringe when, later on, he would remember their conversation.

Suho chuckled. “Yeah, he is.”

“Who was the other one?”

“Mmh?”

“I didn’t see him here but there was someone else that was there.”

“Oh…Hum…Dong Bin’s a friend of mine. He wanted to stay in Korea.”

“Oh, okay…And the others? They’re not Korean…”

“No, indeed. They’re Chinese.” Baekhyun was slowly closing his eyes again. “They are all my hyungs and dongsaengs from there. Xiumin is the oldest although he looks like the youngest. Kris is the tall one, he’s my partner.” _I thought funny guy was your partner._ “Lay is the one that always looks confused.” Baekhyun laughed. _Funny guy…_ “And there’s Chen who I think is your age. He has good cheekbones?” Baekhyun nodded. “I think you’ll like them. You’re a musician, aren’t you? They like music too. They’re also…”

The sleepy boy closed his eyes and stopped listening.

 

 

 

 

He woke up all of a sudden, tense and his forehead sweaty. He didn’t remember anything. He sat up, still shaking. When taking the glass of water next to his bed, he wished he had a straw to make his drinking easier. With a spasm of his arm, he spilled some of the liquid on him and put the glass away. _At least I drank a bit._

He stood up, tired of staying in the same bed for days. He noticed funny guy – _Lay, right? –_ sleeping next to where he previously was. He guessed it was night.

He went to the stairs, climbed them. Hopefully, there would be something for him to eat.

He heard voices, stopped in his track. The atmosphere was serious, he didn’t want to intrude. He heard his name.

He rested his back on a wall.

“I think you should wait.” It was the deep voice again. The one that sends unpleasant shivers down his spine and made his stomach turn. Kris, was it? Suho’s partner? “Give him time, give yourself time… He’ll ask when he’ll be ready.”

Baekhyun remained silent. He didn’t understand much but he understood they were talking about him and that there was something Suho wanted to discuss with him.

“…doesn’t feel ready…hasn’t been asking much,” Kris continued. He understood the Chinese was trying to reassure his partner.

“Yeah…” _Ah, that’s Suho._ He realized he had guessed who the second man was from his scent but didn’t want to think about it.

The eavesdropping man sat down.

“How do you feel?” Came Kris’ voice once again.

“How I feel?”

“Yeah, about what happened.”

“…I feel…Better here. Safer…Although, there’s a part of me that feels” He couldn’t understand the word the other man used but the feeling was…uneasy? “…I knew he was violent but I never thought…”

“Yeah…”

“And if anything I thought she would have been the one to…you know…I never thought he would have killed _him_ …Jung Ho was like his son…I never thought he would have…”

“Sorry…have asked.”

“It’s fine. I think I need to talk about it. D.O and I haven’t…”

Baekhyun stopped listening, stopped hearing. _Jung Ho killed someone?_  This thought was screaming inside of him like the only acceptable option but then there was some whispering he was ignoring.

“The realization that the worse can actually happen; the realization that I’ve _seen_ and _heard_ the worst is terrifying…I’m sorry, that’s…That’s probably a lot to take in.”

Kris breathed in. “It is but…I wouldn’t want you to go through that alone.”

“I appreciate that.”

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun stumbled back to his room. He closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep, hoping morning would come and that he could forget every word he had just heard and every thought he had had.

However, the morning didn’t come so fast and after spending too much time feeling imprisoned by his covers he decided he would go outside.

He looked for his shoes for a while and borrowed someone else’s coat.  By the scent, he assumed it was D.O’s. Not that it was smelly or anything, it just had…D.O’s smell.

He didn’t understand how he could recognize the faint scent of a complete stranger on their clothes. Why were his senses all so acute? He guessed it just came with everything else. _I’m crazy._

He started by walking a bit absentmindedly then, as the thoughts were rushing more and more in his head, his pace accelerated.

_He killed someone. Who is that “she” they were talking about? Was he cheating on me with her? Was it because of me?_

He remembered how angry he was when he wasn’t doing what he wanted.

_It was because of me? Because I couldn’t…Satisfy him?_

He thought they had been fine. He didn’t know. Why didn’t he just say it? Why did he have to be angry and violent? I _could have done what he wanted if he had asked._

_Was it her boyfriend he killed? Was it that cousin he was talking about? Why would he? He said the man helped him understand himself why would he do that? Jung Ho’s not a violent person, he wouldn’t do that._

He bumped into someone. His instincts screamed. He took a step back.

She spoke in Japanese, he remained clueless. She looked worried. He looked around, tried to plan where to flee.

“(…) name?”

He didn’t answer when she spoke in English. She tried Chinese and when he started to run she screamed in Korean for him to wait. 

“Hey, I want to help, are you okay?”

He didn’t know why but, to hear the familiar language made him want to give in. He tripped.

She hurried to his side and he swore under his breath when he couldn’t stop himself from crying. He hadn’t even hurt himself that much; he was pretty good at tripping thanks to all these years of hapkido.

“Did you hurt yourself?”

She seemed to have understood he only understood Korean.

He shook his head.

“Okay, shh, breathe. Breathe. Look at me.”

She continued speaking in Korean. She spoke it good too.

The woman looked really sweet and definitely not Japanese. He started calming down following her breathing.

“Yeah, like that.”

He broke the eye-contact, giving in to his emotions.

She stayed there, continuing to hush him, a hand on his knee.

He sensed another presence behind them and apparently, she did too. She seemed ready to fight.

Suho spoke to her in Japanese and she remained on her guard.

“Is it true that he’s your friend?”

He nodded.

She allowed him to walk closer.

Suho chanced a hand on Baekhyun’s back and the latter didn’t push him away. He calmed down.

“I didn’t want to worry you.” Baekhyun slowly stopped crying as he apologized.  

“It’s alright, I understand.”

“You’re both Korean?” The woman spoke.

“Yeah, we just arrived,” Suho explained.

“Oh. Then, welcome to the city.”

“Thanks.”

It felt as if she was worried. She kept looking between Suho and him, not sure if she should leave or not.

“Will you be fine going back home?” She asked Baekhyun.

“I’ll carry him, it’s-“

“I am not talking to you.”

He smiled at her protectiveness. _What a sweet person._ “Yeah. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, then, I’ll leave you two.”

When she left, Suho helped Baekhyun up.

They started walking but then the latter stopped the other.

“I heard you talk with Kris…What happened, with Jung Ho?”

Suho was surprised by the question. He seemed sorry. 

“It’s late, we should go to sleep, I’ll tell you tomo-“

“Did he kill someone?” Baekhyun was once again on the verge of tears.

Suho stared at him for a moment before nodding.

_Because of me._

“And, right now, where is he?” _I need to go to him. I can’t just abandon him. It’s my fault after all. He’s all I have._

Suho looked around. _What!? Tell me! Where is he?_ The man simply looked at him and signed “no”.

 _He’s dead._ “Tell me!” _He’s dead._

_He’s dead._

_He’s dead._

_He’s dead._

“He’s not here anymore.”

His mind got silent.

_He’s dead._

“My previous leader…killed him.”

_He was murdered._

He lowered his eyes. “Okay,” Baekhyun spoke, “thank you for telling me.”

They walked home without speaking a word.

 

 

 

 

Kris woke up with a jolt when he felt a new weight on the mattress next to him. He calmed down recognizing Suho.

“Hey,” he sleepily started, “where have you been?”

“I told him.”

He noticed the emotion in Suho’s voice and sat up immediately. He thought he should have waited but understood he shouldn’t criticize the other’s decision.

“Oh…”

He opened his arms when his boyfriend leaned into them.

“Did he ask or..?”

“He heard us talk and ran out.”

“Oh… Shit.”

“I’m so dumb, we should have been more careful.”

“Then we’re both dumb.”

Suho sighed. “Sorry that’s not what I-“

“Oh, no, no. I meant it as: ‘we’re together in this’.”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay.” Suho giggled. “Yeah, we’re both dumb.”

“It’s alright; we can only get wiser with time.”

Suho gave him a sad smile and Kris pecked his forehead. It was the first time they had actually done anything like that in real life, it felt strange but nice.

“He has us now.”

Suho smiled more warmly this time. He nodded, slipped into the covers and scooted closer to Kris. The man enlaced him.

“You’re safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanted comfort I wrote some BTS smut so check that out it's called Bored Games.


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